Burnout?

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.' Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, 'Get up eat.' He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.' So he got up and ate and drank. 1 Kings 19:3-8

The passage above comes immediately after one of the most powerful demonstrations of God's power. 

'At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: 'Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.' Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench. When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, 'The Lord - He is God! The Lord - He is God!' 1 Kings 18:36-39

Lately, I've not been feeling myself. Life is full of good things. Our daughter has settled amazingly well into the family and has recently started to walk; she is far and away the healthiest child we have had at this age. Homeschooling is going well, and we seem to have hit a nice rhythm. Of course, there are the occasional challenges and days where we seem to be correcting attitude more than working through our resources. But on the other hand, this is one of the important aspects of home education, and we embrace that as a blessing and a privilege (once we've had some coffee and a little time to reflect). We are involved in a lively church where we have several ministry opportunities where we can use the gifts we have, and where we can open our home for lively discussions of the Bible. The children are increasingly involved through singing and playing with other children whilst the mens' Bible study takes place on Saturday afternoons. Our home has been alive with visitors who have brought fresh perspectives and energy. My work outside the home is going well, we've recently obtained a big grant to expand some aspects of the work, I recently won a prize for my own work, and in general things are moving well.  There are hiccups and challenges that occur at unexpected moments, but by and large things are progressing. We are all in good health, and we have found some lovely routes to run or walk over some leafy hills near our house. On the surface of things, all is good.

So why do I just want to curl up and cry?
Why am I not looking forward to things the way I usually do?
Why do I have constant checklists in my mind of tasks that need to be done?
Why do I wake up at night remembering something that hasn't been done?
Why am I doubting whether any of this really has value?
Why do I feel as though anybody else could be doing a better job in all areas listed?

I realised that some of the symptoms I am feeling can be classified as 'burnout'. This is a term I have come across through my medical work, and as I re-read some helpful resources (for example here), I came to see that what I am feeling right now is quite classical.

What I found interesting was that many of the characteristics and personality traits that may be considered strengths are exactly those which may predispose a person to keep going for a bit too long. For example (see a full article from the US Christian Medical and Dental Association here)

• “You have a high tolerance to stress.” – Isn’t that a good thing?
• “You’re the emotional buffer.” – We call it supporting our patients, and it’s a skill we worked hard to perfect.
• “Your job constantly interferes with family events.” – Ok, we certainly don’t say aloud that this is a good thing. But haven’t you at least thought that someone’s request for time off was “weak,” especially during a busy season?
• “You lack control over your work schedule and free time.” – Of course we do. People can’t control when they get sick and need our services, can they?
• “You don’t take care of yourself.” – Once again, not explicitly encouraged…but we all spent at least 11 years (and some of you many more than that) subjecting our wants and needs to a long and gruelling training process through college, medical school and residency. Then we were overrun with patients whose needs were “more important” than ours. Who has time for massages, for goodness sake?

I think there are some other factors which might be involved, at least in my life. The first of these is:

PRIDE. It is actually quite difficult to say to somebody that you are struggling/ exhausted/ discouraged or whatever way you might wish to phrase it. There is no real reason why suddenly I am finding things a bit more difficult, and I can look around me and see many active, successful, vibrant people who are juggling similar lists of responsibilities. Why am I the one who is not coping? Is this not further evidence that I am inadequate? I don't want to admit that. 

However, the Bible makes abundantly clear that God brings many challenges into our lives to humble us. 

'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything' James 1: 2-4

'Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us' Romans 5:1-5.

I gave a lengthy quotation from Romans, since I believe the context is key. Our hope is in Christ. It is ours by grace through faith. It is not of ourselves, we cannot boast, we cannot earn it. It is a passage that reminds us of our frail humanity in contrast to the amazing love of God. And I find that humbling and liberating!

Pride can also make us feel that  we are indispensible and that we cannot possibly stop or drop any of our responsibilities. 

COMMUNICATION. I find it quite difficult to express myself. I've written about that here. I can feel that I am telling people around me that I am tired or discouraged, but it is as though they do not hear or  do not know what I am trying to say. I can find that frustrating. Maybe I find it difficult to be completely honest and say things like, 'I really need some rest'.

LACK OF GRACE. Quoting Romans above, it is amazing to reflect on how our salvation, our lives, our ministry, our families, everything is all a gift from God.  Reading a helpful article from desiringgod.org, I found this quotation:

Although no two burnouts are the same, as I’ve counselled increasing numbers of Christians through burnout, I’ve noticed that most of them have one thing in common: there’s a deficit of grace. It’s not that they don’t believe in grace. Many of them are well-grounded in “the doctrines of grace.” Many of them are pastors and preach grace powerfully every week. The “five solas” and the “five points” are their theological meat and drink. Yet grace is missing in five vital areas. There are five disconnects between theological grace and their daily lives.

I would agree with that. There are times when I know the answers I would give others. There are times when I encourage others to do exactly the things which I find so hard to do in my own life. And yet, now I've hit a point where I feel something needs to change.

So, what is the solution? I am sure this is something I will return to in the weeks and months ahead, but  here are some of my initial thoughts:

1) Recognise that there may be a problem

2) Tell somebody about it, and take care not to expect others to be able to read your mind

3) Pray about it and rest in some of the amazing promises of God. Focus on His grace, and His compassion. Focus on your identity in Christ (as opposed to in the different roles you have in life)

4) Catch up on sleep before making any big decisions or really trying to unpick your situation. That is why I love the passage in 1 Kings 19. I know from my own life that often a couple of early nights or afternoon naps can make an amazing difference. And it IS possible to do this, if I communicate to those around me that it needs to be a priority. If you are the sort of person who stays up late and gets up before dawn, you cannot expect people around you to realise you need to have a short break from that unless you communicate!

5) Eat well. 1 Kings 19 again. I find it hard to eat enough when I am tired. Good fresh food makes a difference

6) Fresh air and exercise. But with the caveat that this should not become another 'task' - I've stopped running so much over the past week or two, in order to rest

7) Look at your responsibilities. What is an essential God-given responsibility, and what have you taken on in addition? I've read articles relating to burnout among Christian doctors and relating to burnout in Christian ministry which recommend such an approach. Maybe this can also be done with your spouse or with a close friend

8) Consider which things you find most draining. It was relatively recently I came to realise that my personality was introverted, whereas most people consider me an extrovert because I CAN keep talking and being outwardly confident in group settings. But I find it draining, and for relaxation would much rather be alone, reading, writing or walking. The element of life which may have tipped me from managing my responsibilities to feeling burnt out may have been having a very full home. It is a great blessing and a privilege, but I need to find ways to carve out space and peace in the midst of that (without having to stay up later and get up earlier in order to do so). For you, it may be something entirely different.

I am thankful that God brings a whole range of situations, both delightful and challenging into our lives. My prayer is that through this current challenge I can draw closer to Him, become more like Him and be able to use what I have learnt to bless others.

It's not about you!

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage; rather, He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross! Philippians 2:1-8

Recently, 'It's not about you' has become a bit of a catchphrase in our home. It sounds simple, but it is an idea which is very counter-cultural. Last year I read a helpful book considering some of the 'philosophy of this age' and showing where Biblical truth cuts through it. But recently I have been caused to reflect again on just how self-absorbed and self-obsessed many young people have become. One of the beauties of home education is that we can avoid certain aspects of culture and peer-pressure with the aim of instilling a healthier worldview in our children. This is a wonderful blessing, yet at the same time, as Christians living 'in the world but not of the world', it is important to be aware of changes in prevailing worldview and consider how we can reach today's generation with the gospel.

There are several things which have caused me to reflect on humility and selflessness over the past few weeks.

Firstly, we had a visitor who did not share our priorities and values. This person is used to having a lot more time alone, rather than being with a large, lively young family who spend a lot of time together, and so quite a number of things were understandable. However some were quite shocking, even rude - until you realised that to this person, it really was 'all about me', and there was very little consideration of what might work well for those around. I often deal with challenging interpersonal situations by trying to put myself in the other person's shoes, by considering how I might approach things had I come from their background and culture. And what sobered me was the consideration that were I not a Christian, had I not come to know and love the Lord Jesus Christ who willingly came to lay His life down for us that we might live, then I might well be just the same. 'Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends' John 15:13. And yet for many people in today's world, the idea of sacrifice is not there. Yes, be helpful when it suits you. Yes, share when you feel you have plenty. But to put the needs of others first, and to be willing to experience some degree of personal loss or discomfort in order to bless others? And to do so willingly? Where does that concept fit? In John Chapter 13, Jesus washes His disciples' feet. 'Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.' John 13:14-16. Jesus taught on this concept often - of the need to go the extra mile, to give generously and secretly, to spend hidden hours in prayer. There was one occasion when the visitor was 'shocked' that my husband was mildly irritable after having just been stuck in horrendous traffic during a humid day with a car full of restless children. She wondered why I was not upset. I pointed out to her that it was, 'Not about me', and that what was really needed was a cool drink, an encouraging word and a little peace and quiet. That perspective seemed utterly foreign, to consider the perspective and needs of another person. There were many such examples, and it was a very thought-provoking experience!

Secondly, I reflected on how having children does change you in that respect. Several years ago, I wrote a series of posts on some of the amazing things that becoming a parent teaches you (here, here, here and here). Not repeating all of those observations, I have become aware how having responsibility for young children changes your priorities - particularly away from self and towards others. I can't just settle down with a cup of coffee whenever I fancy. I can't just eat what I want, when I want. I can't just go for a rest when I am tired. There are times when I willingly get up before dawn in order to prepare for the day, particularly if I am preparing something special or some kind of surprise. Often my husband and I are up late, planning, preparing, praying, and considering both the following day and the next couple of weeks. We don't begrudge this because we love our children and because we want to provide them with what is best. My visitor was concerned about the lack of 'me time' in my life. I had to laugh - it's a concept that is not really on my radar, but as I follow the Facebook feeds of friends and read some of their 'mommy blogs' that they share, I can see that 'me time' is something that is highly desired, at least in the west. It also made me realise how much I have changed since becoming a parent, and how through the challenges, I have had to 'die to self' in many respects, and I believe have a greater understanding of love and greater peace than I have ever known before.

Thirdly, there had been a relationship in my life which has caused me a lot of pain for many years. For a long, long time I have asked myself what I have done to offend, wondered how I could possibly fix it, have made quite a lot of effort to keep communication open, have wept many tears of grief over what I have perceived as loss, and have prayed for hours for healing. People would say to me, 'It's not about you', but I was convinced it must be. However, when I found out the reason (basically an objection to us having adopted children), I saw so clearly that it most certainly is not about me, and is not something I can fix. I can't really explain how liberating this was (although of course it is also deeply sad). I had wasted a lot of time and emotion thinking it is 'all about me'!

Fourthly, consider your children (if you have any). How often, especially as the family grows, does one child have to put their desires to one side and do what is best for everybody? It can be a difficult lesson to learn. I watch only children and can see how they are often able to make their choices of games, books, activities and so forth, and often can appear to be more settled and better behaved when they are at home (there is nobody to squabble with). Often when my children do disagree it is because somebody needs to hear, 'It's not about you'.

It's easy to pass judgement. When I think of the frustrations my visitor brought, I realise that I am just as selfish and petulant before God. How often do I truly appreciate that He gave everything for me, and truly knows what is right and best? How often do I inwardly grumble or covet (my temptation is to covet rest and time more than things)?

What is the antidote? For me, as I spend time considering just who Christ was, what He did willingly and all the many promises of Scripture, I find my selfish desires weakening. I want to be more like Christ, and to be able to speak His truth to my children, to my friends and family, to my colleagues and neighbours. I want to willingly serve, not begrudgingly, not with little comments here and there to show I am counting the cost, but freely. And through God's strength, this is possible.