Drawing near to the brokenhearted

'The Lord is close to the  brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit' Psalm 34:18

'He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds' Psalm 147:3

'The Spirit of the Soverign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...' Isaiah 61:1

I have read a couple of articles recently that have made me think about how we draw close to the brokenhearted. The first was from a secular source, where a woman wrote about her experience of her child's neonatal death, and how it affected her. She particularly spoke about the social taboo that having a child die seems to bring, and how she wishes that more people would speak about her son and ask what his name was. The second was from the Desiring God website, and gives some practical, Bible-based wisdom about drawing near to those who are grieving; a friend whose daughter died last year commented that it is the kind of article that should be printed out and given to people at funerals because it is so clear and hits the nail on the head.

In the months following our daughter's death ten years ago, I remember feeling very isolated. There was a really tough phase several months after the funeral, when we were back at work and back to 'normality', and yet nothing felt normal at all. At the time, I presumed the feelings of isolation resulted from the grief itself, perhaps a kind of depersonalisation. I also wondered whether my expectations of others were unrealistic, or that it might relate to the fact we had moved between different countries and therefore didn't have the firmly established long term relationships that might be most supportive. Despite being actively involved in churches wherever we had been based, we did not on any occasion have a visit from a member of a pastoral team (nor a phonecall or an email containing more than a sentence in response to emails that we pro-actively sent) - I remember finding that a bit strange, but presumed that there were many more important things to deal with than a young couple whose first child had recently died. To be honest, there were days when I felt like a bit of a nuisance, aware that there were many people who had far more difficult circumstances than we did, and that we should somehow just 'get on with it'. I also didn't want a visit out of pity, and since we didn't have any particular theological questions about what had happened, it felt like there was nothing that anybody could have offered anyway. There were a handful of good friends who did stay close to us, or at least to me, but there were times when I really wanted one of the men from church to spend more time with my husband. People would sometimes ask me how he was doing, but nobody seemed able to ask him that question even when I felt like I was begging them to. Let me be clear - we were not social hermits during that time, and we did spend plenty of time with friends; to the outsider it may well have seemed that we were functioning more or less as we previously had done. But what was missing was the specific conversations where somebody that we looked up to for guidance and counsel would initiate a conversation with us about what had happened, about how we were currently doing and gave us the opportunity, if needed, to talk things through.

It has taken me ten years to say that, and I hope that writing it today, it can be appreciated that I am not writing out of bitterness. Rather I am writing because of sadness and frustration since I have heard very similar stories many times over the past ten years. Each family is different, each support network is different, each child was unique. But there are also a couple of generalisations that I think can be made, and which perhaps those seeking to support a family in such times might wish to consider.

The first 'theme' would be that sometimes our church leaders (whether that be the main leaders, or the leaders of different Bible study groups or ministries) have a God-given responsibility to their church members. If there is a family who are going through a situation which seems particularly challenging, care should be taken to ensure that they are not 'falling between the cracks' - make sure that somebody is committed to following up with them, visiting them, contacting them, praying with them, even (and perhaps especially) when it feel so hard and dark. This may not be particularly easy or feel rewarding. But unless it is made clear that such contact is not desired, I would really encourage you to reach out regularly, particularly in the months after all the drama.

Secondly, it often seems that people who do not have any particular faith are more supportive in times of real trial. It is as though they are more comfortable with uncertainty, with deep and probing questions which do not have easy solutions, or indeed any answers at all. They seem better with the silence, with the pain that cannot really be expressed, with the lack of clear solutions and the need to just be present. I wonder if Christians, perhaps particularly leaders, can feel inadequate if they don't have the words and the Bible expositions to 'solve' the problems and bring comfort. If there were 'easy' answers or quick solutions, I would imagine many families would have found these. Of course, there are many wonderful passages of the Bible which speak to suffering - that it is to be expected in this world, that it is no surprise to God, that God teaches us so very much through it, that it is common to man, that one day there will be no more sorrow or pain - there are these wonderful passages in 1 Peter, James, Romans, Revelation and so forth. I can recite all of these from memory with ease, but that knowledge of Scripture did not mean that I did not need spiritual encouragement. There are times when a person who is grieving is very familiar with the 'suffering' passages in the Bible, can believe them with their whole heart, but still be overwhelmed by a grief that cannot be put into words. There is a time for silence, for just being there. There is a time to just listen. Please don't label people as 'coping well' when you actually don't know how they are really doing. Please don't put people on a pedestal because they frequently testify to God's goodness and grace through their trials. Please remember that grief and faith are not opposites, and these people may be suffering more than you could imagine (and you didn't think to ask, because they seemed to be 'coping well').

Thirdly, in the case of child death, please don't forget the fathers! I wrote about this here a few years ago. Sadly it still seems the case that the mothers are seen as the one who has been bereaved. It is a generalisation of course, but women tend to be more expressive of their emotions, whereas men may be more likely to withdraw. A woman might become very emotional whereas a man might seem more irritable and unapproachable. It might be easier to draw alongside the woman, but the man is facing the same grief and needs encouragement and support to lead his family through this time of trial.

Fourthly, most grieving people seem to appreciate the chance to talk about their loved on, to hear their name, to hear stories about ways in which they influenced the lives of others. Sometimes there is a need to talk about the trials and the pain, and at other times to share again the stories of God's grace and faithfulness. As the years go by, sometimes the need for this becomes greater, the need to have that tangible memory that their loved one was a very real part of their family, and had a life which mattered. I do not know of anybody who would be offended if they were asked to explain a bit more about how things felt, or to be asked about what might be the best way to support them. In general, I think most people are also happy to make it clear when they would rather not talk.

One of the reasons I have blogged less over recent months is because I feel to an extent that the same challenges tend to recur through life and I have often written a bit about a particular topic. That being said, I will flag up some things I have written in the past few years about how grief changes with time, and what I think a family might really need. Six years after she died, I wrote this. Seven years afterwards, I put together a kind of 'wish list'. Ten years afterwards, I reflected on some of the precious lessons we had learned. There are other links within those posts which might be helpful.

I do not wish to imply that the death of a child is somehow different from any other kind of overwhelming grief. The death of a spouse. The death of a close friend. Severe illness either personally or in a loved one which causes the death of life as it once was, perhaps the death of hopes and dreams. There are many situations which bring deep grief. And I imagine that many of these feel just as 'taboo' as the death of a child.

I write today partly out of frustration, and partly out of sadness. As Christians we should do better to support our brothers and sisters in their time of need. Whilst we should 'study and do our best to present ourselves to God as one approved, who correctly handles and rightly divides the word of truth', we should remember that there are times to support more practically, and times to support simply through presence. I will not spend time today looking at all the Bible passages about how we are to relate to 'one another' through times of joy and sorrow; there is much that can be said, but I think many Christians will be familiar with these. But I think it is important to re-iterate that this is not always easy, now always rewarding, and at times can simply be tough. There will be times when we feel totally uncomfortable, and unsure of what is the best thing. I feel that way when spending time with the bereaved, even though I've experienced a couple of difficult bereavements (my infant daughter as I've already written about, and also the death of my mother by suicide when I was 16, which I have never written about). It's uncomfortable and painful because it is simply uncomfortable and painful - it is not how things were meant to be. The chances are, the grieving person has no real idea what they really want or feel they need, but it might be worth asking. If you want to know how it feels, ask!

I hope that by writing on this topic, you might feel better equipped to draw near to bring comfort to those who are brokenhearted.

Contentment and small trials and 'irritations'

'But godliness with contentment is great gain' 1 Timothy 6:6

'Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation". Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life' Philippians 2: 14-16

Often on this blog, I consider how we can stand fast in our faith in the face of trials. Many times I have discussed ways in which we don't just stand fast, but see our faith in our amazing God flourish and see Him working all kinds of good in us, through us and around us through perseverance in the face of trials. (For example, here, here, here or here). But, lately I have also been thinking about what a person might consider a 'trial' to be.

Is it easier to accept a sudden, unexpected, extreme event as within God's sovereignty rather than the more trivial, day-to-day inconveniences? Is it easier to see how God is in perfect control when something that seems entirely outside of human control occurs?

The other morning I read this very helpful article via the Desiring God website: 'Ten Thousand Small Trials' This made me think about the things that can throw me off course and feel discontent during daily life. A powercut on the day I forgot to fully charge my computer and mifi device. A traffic jam, simply because another driver seeks to be selfish and has cut through the traffic to the junction and completely blocked the other side of the road.  A colleague who seems to be struggling to understand and act on some instructions, and it seems it would have been a lot quicker just to have done the task without delegating. A relational misunderstanding that seems set to escalate without easy resolution. A child whose behaviour has been trying in small but persistent ways through the day. Is God sovereign in these? Absolutely! Can God develop our faith in these? Without doubt! Are these trials enough to build in us all the wonderful things that are listed in 1 Peter 1, James 1, Romans 5 and the other passages (things like perseverance, character, hope, faith being proven genuine, hope that does not disappoint). Yes indeed!

Of course everything has it's flipside, and the opposite of contentment is often envy. On that same morning, I also read this article on 'Seven Strategies for Fighting Envy'. Envy is a funny one  - it gets onto all the lists of sins to avoid and characteristics of ungodly people, but in some ways it is different from other sins. It doesn't lure us with the promise of something (pleasure, success, popularity, comfort, ease, whatever it is we perhaps long for). It is something that may not have an obvious external manifestation. And I think (in my circles at least) it is something that is rarely discussed among Christians, and something which people rarely admit to. For me, it is a horrible sin that hits at the most unexpected times, sometimes for no discernible reason.

I think there is something which bring both of these issues to the forefront: social media! The first thing I wish to say, is that I think social media can be very useful, and can be used in many different ways to glorify God. Personally, living many thousands of miles from family and many of my closest friends, I find it a valuable way to be able to maintain relationships, at least to an extent, to share to a tiny degree in life events that I miss out on (birthdays, weddings, graduations, holidays), and to seek to encourage my friends and 'consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds' (Hebrews 10:24). The second thing I would say, is that 'there is nothing new under the sun'. Changing means of communication and technology does not cause sin, but rather might provide a new avenue for sin, or open up a temptation we had not predicted. This is not a rant against one specific thing, but rather an observation.

One trend I have noticed, is the type of post which moans about a small trial. For example, it is currently warm in Europe. For most of the year, people complain about the weather, and now that it is hot and sunny, there are an equal number of complaints. 'How can a person manage with a baby in this heat?', 'This is unbearable', 'Where is the ice?', and so forth. This is just an example. I also see it among new parents, whose post seem to be a continual complaint about the day to day realities of looking after a baby - listing the number of times the baby woke in the night, describing in detail a nappy change that went awry, these types of situations. And the responses are usually affirmatory - 'Poor you, it's so tough, yes, I will validate you in this'. The reason I struggle with those types of posts is that rather than helping the person see their experience as a reality of life, and embracing it as every bit as God-given as anything else, they tend to take a person's eyes off the goodness of God, and onto themselves. And with social media, it is rare indeed for a person to post a comment that does not go along with what the original poster wishes. And so it can be self-perpetuating. Rather than thanking God for a healthy child who wakes in the night for a feed, and thanking God for those quiet night hours which are an opportunity to find strength in Him and to pray, people can be encouraged to self-pity and to think that their experience is outside the normal boundaries of reality. There can be an unhealthy introspection (for example, the pregnant friend who complains daily about the pregnancy might not see how that can be hurtful to the single friend or the one who longs for a child). But within the narrow bounds of social media, it can be very difficult to draw alongside the person who persistently makes these types of posts and seek to encourage and disciple them that there can be a better way. (Here, I am not talking so much about the occasional post, but those individuals who make it a pattern. If you use social media, you know what I mean!)

The Bible makes it clear that thinking positively is both a choice and a discipline. Look at Philippians 4:8: 'Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things'. Or 2 Corinthians 10:5 'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ'. We should be encouraging one another to learn an 'attitude of gratitude', and yet these subtle things on social media are doing the exact opposite, and seem to encourage one another that it is OK to complain about small things. We should be seeking to live differently to the world around us. And the wonderful promise in Philippians 2 is that by doing so, we can 'shine like stars in the universe as we hold out the word of life'. It is so counter-cultural to be content and thankful, that our attitude in the face of both the big trials and the day-to-day hassles can be a means of sharing 'the reason for the hope that we have' (1 Peter 3:15)

I think one reason this grumbling might happen, and it ties in with the thoughts about envy, is that social media can paint a very false reality. I am aware that when a person looks at my Facebook page (the main page which is open, more than what I might share in smaller groups of trusted friends), it can look as though I live in tropical paradise, with endless field trips and adventures, continual home cooking and outdoor activities, surrounded by friends. These aspects are all there! But between these, is the day to day grind (powercuts, traffic jams, minor illnesses, children to discipline, work to complete, medical emergencies, general life, work and relational issues). But those aren't things that make a nice photo, or that I write home about. One thing I struggle with in this season of life is that my husband and I very rarely have time alone outside the house without the children (maybe once a year at current rates) - and when that is getting me down, I seem to notice that 'everybody' on Facebook has had an evening out with their spouse, has had grandparents take the children for a weekend, has had opportunity to do the one thing that I find elusive. And so, rather than celebrating what God has provided for both my friends, and for my own family, envy creeps in. I tell you for sure, if we did have an evening together, I would not post about it on Facebook but would be off enjoying the time! But you see the principle, and I need to know when just to stop, to stop comparing myself to others or allowing envy and discontentment to creep in and steal the joy in what blessings I have. I need to know when 'catching up with old friends' becomes unhealthy.

One never really can tell what lies behind a perfect picture. And, one never can tell what will happen tomorrow, or even later today. The book of Ecclesiastes is very clear that there is a 'time for everything' time to mourn, time to dance, time to live, time to die. When we look only at a snapshot, that can cause both discontentment or envy, and the root of both is often a failure to appreciate and celebrate God's sovereignty in the rich abundance of life.

Recently, I reflected on why sometimes it can seem that God has answered the same prayer of two individuals in different ways, and how this can fit with a God that is sovereign, good, loving, kind and wise. Many of the principles are just the same in the 'smaller' trials. Why does one person have a baby who sleeps 'through the night' by six weeks, when mine took five years to achieve this? Why does my friend not seem to struggle with the child discipline issues that cause us such difficulty? Why do I suffer with an invisible hidden disability which sometimes keeps me from serving God in a way which I think would be more effective than my current life? Why does my friend have a bigger, nicer home, better for hospitality? Why this, why that? Why not accept all things, both good and challenging, as part of God's wonderful, abundant, bountiful provision for your individual life, and seek to honour Him in that?

So, as I prepare for today - and whatever joys or challenges (and combination of the two) that lie ahead, I resolve to see everything as an opportunity to serve God, and glorify Him.

10 years since my baby died: A reflection

Today marks ten years since our first child died. These past months have been strange as we remember everything that took place between 12th April 2008 when she became ill and 26th May 2008 when she died. We always remember at this time of year, but this year has been different. Sometimes the emotions have been stronger, almost as though it happened yesterday. Some days, it feels so distant that it is almost as though it was something that happened to somebody else in some kind of dream. Sometimes I feel that I have said everything that needs to be said, and that there are no new memories and no new discussion points.

But I am often reminded of how much she remains part of our lives, and how she taught us more in a short life than many children will teach their parents. Even this year, we've had several friends walk a similar path, and it can be an honour to walk alongside them, to share their stories and their tears, and try to help them find their strength and hope in God. Part of the gift that our daughter gave us is that particular role, perhaps not a role that one would choose, but one which we have been prepared for in some ways.

Three years ago I wrote about how grief changes with time, and about the things that I would want people to know about how the grief felt with the passing of the years. Today I will build on that, and share some other reflections. I am writing to those who are walking through grief and loss, and to those who walk beside them.

1. You don't 'get over it', and nobody should expect you. I see it more like a person who has a limb amputated - the immediate pain and subsequent disability might pass, and a person might learn to function to a very high level. Just look at some of the paralympian athletes! But the part is still missing, and there may be days when that causes more pain or disability than at other times - perhaps associated with illness, stress or other trauma. Your life builds around the loss, but there will be a part that is changed forever.

2. Change can be positive or negative or neutral. I find it helpful to consider all the ways that our daughter's illness and death changed our lives for the better, and on the darker days to spend time counting the blessings. I've written more about that here, but in summary, I think we have a clearer perspective of what is really important, tend to be more focussed and live 'in the moment', not knowing what tomorrow holds. I think having known deep sorrow, we can sometimes appreciate greater joy. We are not afraid of discussing difficult topics, and don't run from uncomfortable conversations or emotions. There are many things that are good. But sometimes this can also bring aspects that are not so easy - it can sometimes be difficult to relate to others, especially when people are getting very worried about 'first world problems' or things that seem trivial. There are times when the grief can feel very lonely, and it can be difficult to explain to people who we have met more recently. The focus on what is happening now, and not worrying about tomorrow can sometimes make it difficult to plan more than a month or two ahead.

3. Every person's grief is different. That might sound very obvious, but it is so important to listen carefully to what a grieving person is saying, and not to try and apply any 'formulas' for their recovery. Even if two situations seem very similar on the outside, the individuals involved are unique. This year I've spent some time reflecting on whether there are any fundamental beliefs that might make it easier for a person to work through agonising loss, and I think a large part might be how they view the nature of God. I wrote about that here , here and here. But even then, the way a person will respond day to day, the fluctuations, the temptations - these will be different between individuals.

4. You cannot grade grief. All loss is painful. It does not make sense to try and comfort a person by pointing out all the other people who are in far 'worse' situations, or who have experienced a string of losses. I am thankful that God cares about the details of our lives so very much, and is filled with compassion for each of us. We must take care not to minimise another person's loss (or our own), but rather approach each situation and its context.

5. At the same time, we must remember that suffering is to be expected in this life. As the Apostle Peter wrote (1 Peter 4:12-13) 'Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you also may be glad with exceeding joy'. It is also wrong to think that your own suffering is worse than anybody else can imagine. I have reflected on this before, but I think it was much easier for us to be living in southern Africa after our daughter died, where one out of two women in my city had a baby die under the age of five. It was accepted to be a painful loss, but not beyond the normal experience in society. Sometimes by tiptoeing around a person, perhaps allowing and even enabling sinful behaviours, we can actually hinder their processing of the situation and moving forward.

6. There are days when you just long for heaven, for the place where 'God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away' Revelation 21:4. This need not be a bad thing - I think through pain, we can have a clearer perspective on eternity and those things that matter most. But just because something brings good does not mean that it is not painful.

7. Similarly to the point above, faith and grief are not opposites. I find John chapter 11 very helpful here. When Jesus was told of the death of Lazarus, He wept even though He knew He was about to perform an incredible miracle. Why did He weep? Because death and loss are painful. Did Jesus' sorrow mean He lacked faith? Absolutely not! I think this is important, because one thing that we found difficult was what felt like an assumption that because we were able to hold fast to our faith (and indeed our faith grew!), that this was not a very painful time, and that it doesn't still hurt. It sometimes can be easier to identify people who are obviously struggling - perhaps expressing major doubts in their faith, stumbling into sin, adopting unhealthy behaviours and coping strategies. But even if you think your friend is 'coping well', ask them from time to time even as the years pass.

8. God's word and promises are the rock on which we stand. I love the Psalms - because there, the full range of human emotions and experience are laid bare as the writers bring their pain and fear, or their joy and delight, before God. God is not shocked by our emotions, since they are part of how He made us. We can pour out our hearts before Him, any time we wish. There may be many clamouring voices offering worldly wisdom or passing comfort, but God's word is eternal and will stand the test of time. For me, the Psalms in particular remind me of that.

9. 'Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathise with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need'. Hebrews 4:14-16 Those words are pure gold!

Our daughter's life was a very pivotal time in our lives. There were days when it felt very clearly that there was a choice to be made in how we lived and in how we responded. It was a time of priority setting, and considering everything in the light of eternity. It was the time when we knew with certainty: 'In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honour and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith - the salvation of your souls' 1 Peter 1:6-9

5 things to be thankful for

It has been another busy month in our household. Both parents have been travelling back-to-back for work, and time together has been limited. But the children seem well adjusted to this - they know that there are special things they will do (and eat!) when Mum is away, and different things they will do (and eat) when Dad is away. They also know that we are likely to bring back surprises from our travels, most of which are edible. They love to hear stories of where we have travelled to, and to see photos and read about the history of the place. For example, I was recently in Italy, and they had been studying the Renaissance over the past few weeks, so they were particularly interested in what I was able to see. (Truth be told, my main time for sightseeing is usually when I go jogging before dawn with a digital camera in my pocket, but this does often produce dramatic photos of beautiful buildings lit up against the darkness).

It is always good to stop and reflect and give thanks, and I find this particularly the case when life is busy. Sometimes it can be too easy to lament the challenges and complain about the consequences of choices we have made, and to neglect to see the abundant blessings that are present in every day. So here are five things I am thankful for:

1. As described above - I am thankful that our family structure enables both parents to work flexibly, and that we are able to share many of the experiences with the children.

2. Because our time together has been limited, we decided to head to a rainforest for three days, bringing with us no digital devices. We hiked through the forest and enjoyed an amazing array of wildlife - birds, butterflies, insects, plants, fungi. The children astonished us by the things they spotted, and their ability to recognise particular species and confidently explain why they knew it was one rather than another. We all learnt something, but even more importantly, we enjoyed being together and considering the vastness of God's amazing creation. When you are busy working, it is easy to become very focused on a specific task or project - and rightly so. But it is so restful to remember that there is so much more! This really helps us to regain perspective with regard to what matters most. In the evenings, we sat round a bonfire and told stories and sang songs. It was refreshingly simple, and both children and parents came back refreshed (there are other holidays which are fun, but where I have returned feeling more tired than before).

3. Their love for learning. When we started to home educate, one of the driving reasons was to preserve their natural curiosity and desire to find out more about the world around them. We had seen too many bright and inquisitive children enter mainstream school and within a year or two to seem dull and frustrated by the educational process. At first, our 'education' was very practical, and we spent most of each day out and about. Now that the children are a little older, we also cover the necessary building blocks of language arts (spelling, grammar, handwriting, creative expression) and  mathematics as well as the more interest-driven areas of history, geography, world cultures, science, art, music, cooking and so forth. We tend to spend about three hours each morning working on these, and there have been days when one or other child has complained about the need to concentrate and work hard on an area which doesn't automatically come naturally. As parent/teachers, we have felt the tension between letting the child do things 'in their own time' and to abandon the tricky subject and come back another day, against teaching them the value of good hard work (actually, either approach might be right, depending on the exact situation). But over the past week I have been encouraged again by just how much they are learning and developing, and by how much they have absorbed through reading around their areas of interest or simply exploring and experimenting.

4. Just how much they are all growing and developing. We felt quite happy for the boys (aged 8, 7 and 5) to set, light and tend the bonfire (with supervision). It seems like yesterday that we felt we could not turn our backs for a moment without risk of some disaster or other, but suddenly we seem to have some sensible and responsible boys. The five year old has regularly been asking to help with tasks around the house, and has actually been helpful (as compared to the toddler who tries to help and ends up creating twice as much work). Meanwhile the two year old is communicating well, is potty trained and can walk many miles carrying her own water bottle. Whilst celebrating these things, I also feel a kind of wistful awareness that the 'days are long but the years are short'. When I see a parent with a baby in the airport, I remember those days, but realise they are past. I am thankful that we have chosen to spend so much time with our children and to be able to enjoy their childhoods.

5. For technology. This might sound a random point, but often I reflect on how I am able to run projects in several different countries whilst working part-time with the young children largely because I can do so much work by email or teleconference. I feel it is a job that simply would not have been possible ten or fifteen years ago, and I am thankful for the advances that have changed the way we are able to live and work.

So, five things to be thankful for! As I write, I am sitting at an airport preparing to travel between Africa and Europe again. Often when I travel I feel challenged by the contrasts that I see in life all around me - so many different situations and circumstances, so many hopes and dreams, trials and frustrations - and at the same time, I am reminded of how alike we all are, irrespective of our backgrounds. I am also thankful for that perspective - that every challenge brings an opportunity, that times of suffering and pain can lead to greater joy, and that even as I feel sad to be apart from my family for another few days, it makes me realise just how precious the times together are.

Robinson Crusoe: An unexpected encouragement

I had never read Robinson Crusoe until I started to read it to my sons aged 5, 7 and 8 last week. Of course I knew the basic story, about a man marooned on a deserted island for many years, and about his companion Man Friday. I'd heard re-tellings of the story, and had read The Swiss Family Robinson to the children last year, which clearly has parallels. But I had never read the original, and we have found it a treat.

I want to draw out two ways in which I have been delighted by this book.

Firstly, I must comment that I found the first few pages quite tough-going to read aloud, in terms of the literary style. The language is rich and complex, but beautiful. Initially, I was concerned that my sons might not understand it well, especially the parts where the author is describing the thoughts and reflections of the main character. However, they have rapidly adjusted to the tempo, and apart from the occasional question over a specific word, are very much learning through hearing a rich vocabulary used in context. This reminded me of some articles I recently read, describing the differences in second-grade literature in 1879 compared with today, and comparing middle school reading lists from 100 years ago with today. Why should an eight year old only be expected to understand very simple vocabulary and basic plots? And does that not become self-perpetuating, whereby our expectations of our children diminish? I confess I have been surprised by how much my boys are enjoying Robinson Crusoe read aloud, but I have been delighted and also have noted them using many new words correctly without having been 'taught'. As is their style, they have been acting out sections of the book in the garden, building shelters and defences, and this clearly shows their understanding (it's almost like their form of 'narration').

The second thing I was unaware of was the strong Christian message in the story*. For those who are unfamiliar with it, Robinson left home against his parents' wishes at the age of 18 to go to sea. He met with quite a number of early trials and near-disasters, and whilst grappling with his conscience, turned his back on his parents' wisdom and on any consciousness of God challenging him. However, later on, on the island, he became conscious of the blackness of his own heart, and having found a Bible amongst his possessions on the shipwreck, began to diligently study God's word and listen to His voice.

So even whilst alone on the island, the character described his situation thus:

'I spent the whole day in humble and thankful acknowledgements of the many wonderful mercies which my solitary condition was attended with, and without which it might have been infinitely more miserable. I gave humble and hearty thanks that God had been pleased to discover to me that it was possible I might be more happy in this solitary condition than I should have been in the liberty of society, and in all the pleasures of the world; and He could fully make up to me the deficiencies of my solitary state, and the want of human society, by His presence and the communication of His grace to my soul; supporting, comforting and encouraging me to depend upon His providence here, and hope for His eternal presence hereafter.'

'From this moment I began to conclude in my mind that it was possible for me to be more happy in this forsaken, solitary condition than I should ever have been in any other particular state of the world...'

This is rich gospel truth, and providing plenty of food for hearty discussions with my children. That it is embedded in one of the most famous novels of all time, not in a book specifically marketed as 'Christian', is an unexpected and wonderful treat.

If you are looking for adventure, rich literature, reflections on resourcefulness and creativity and a clear reflection upon God's amazing grace, this book has it all!

*Clearly, I had not done my 'homework' but had simply picked up a 'classic' novel. Daniel Defoe, the author, was a Puritan who wrote books on other topics, and had a very strong sense of God's sovereignty and providence. That makes a lot of sense - and I have found it refreshing to have that strong worldview come across through literature.

10 things I learnt through my daughter's life

Often I comment on how thankful I am for all that our daughter taught us through her life, illness and her death. Often I look back at that time as a real pivotal point in our lives, something which really crystallised our priorities and values and caused us to focus on what things mattered most. Back in 2012, I wrote a series of blog posts on what we learn through several different aspects of parenting (here, here, here and here). Today, I thought I'd write a short summary of the key things I learnt personally through my daughter. Here are 10 points:

1) Unconditional love. I had never really understood how God could love us irrespective of what we did or didn't do. I could not really understand how one person could love another truly without condition or expectation. But suddenly you hold a helpless baby who depends on you for absolutely everything. And whilst a lot of baby care involves cute cuddles, there are also jobs which are smelly, messy and tiring, and the child never once stops to thank you. Yet that does not diminish your love for the child in the slightest. I perhaps began to understand how we can't earn God's love, but that His love is perfect and absolute already. We can respond to it in worship with thankfulness, but that doesn't change the love itself. It truly is Amazing Grace!

2) The flip side of the above comment was that it made it even harder for me to understand the choices and actions of my parents towards me when I was a child. (I wrote a little about this recently here). I never felt good enough, never felt I could meet some kind of impossible standards, and figured that it must have been because I was unloveable (and indeed, those exact words were frequently spoken towards me). Having a child of my own made it even harder for me to understand how a parent could reject and abandon their own child. I know there are mitigating factors; illness, addiction, sin. But even so, it brought a fresh wave of grief.

3) Priorities in terms of achievements. I used to worry more about small things which ultimately had no lasting value. The Bible talks much of this. We are told that 'everything that does not come from faith is sin' Romans 14:23. We are taught 'do not worry about tomorrow for each day has enough trouble of its own' Matthew 6:34. There are places where were are reminded to build with materials that last, to make sure our treasure is in heaven (Matthew 6:19), and that unless God is central in our endeavours, they are basically worthless (Psalm 127). Whilst I knew all that, when we were suddenly facing a life or death situation, it crystallised for me just how worthless a lot of what we are tempted to run after really is. I remember shortly after her death, there was a minor setback at work. I had to laugh; previously it would have upset me quite a lot, but in the face of what we had just walked through it seemed utterly trivial. And looking back, it was indeed trivial. It is easy to obsess about a detail, or a target, deadline, goal or whatever - and think that if that is not achieved that the whole of the future seems dark. However that is rarely the case. I learnt the truth of 2 Corinthians 4:18 'what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.'

4) Priorities in terms of material things. I have never been one to particularly worry about clothes, hairstyles or the decor of my home. But simply by living in the culture in which I grew up, I did spend some time worrying about my appearance, my weight, the external impression which I might make on others. Also, perhaps as a consequence of some of the things I described in point number 2, I had struggled with anorexia through a lot of my teens and into my twenties. Somehow, when my daughter lay dying, it really did not matter if I was fat or thin, whether my hair was glossy or straggly, whether my clothes were fashionable or simply functional. It didn't matter then, and it hasn't really mattered since! It felt like a choice: to waste a lot of time worrying about things that really don't matter, or to look above and beyond those things. I am not talking about the lack of self-care that might come with depression, but rather a sense that there are things that are more important. The Bible teaches that too. The first letter of Peter instructs Christian women that 'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment such as elaborate hairstyles or the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:2-4

5) That we have a choice to make, sometimes every day, to keep living to the glory of God. I clearly remember one day, whilst our daughter was still on the intensive care unit, going out of the hospital for a coffee. We walked past some very beautiful flowers - vibrant orange bird of paradise blossoms. The coffee was strong, bitter and delicious. The air was crisp and fresh. Every sensation seemed somehow heightened and I realised that life is full of beautiful details provided by God. We can choose to ignore these things, to focus entirely on our problem or situation, or we can choose to pause, look outside of our circumstances and find things to thank God for. A strong coffee was the trigger for a real change in mindset. I found (and still do find) that in the face of overwhelming emotion or a temptation to despair that it is really helpful to focus on something tangible and beautiful and to thank God for that thing.

6) We have a choice to keep walking by faith. After she died, I also felt there was a choice to make. It would have been fairly easy to fall into despair or self-pity, and indeed there were those around us who seemed to expect us to 'curse God and die' (in the discouraging words that Job's wife spoke to him). But I remember thinking that our daughter didn't have a choice, didn't have a chance to make that kind of decision. It made me realise what a privilege God had given us to keep living in the world, to keep serving Him for as many days as He has given us. That did not mean that it would always  be easy - in fact Paul wrote to Timothy that 'everybody who desires to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer tribulation' 2 Timothy 3:12. We should expect times of pain, trial and confusion. But we have a choice to fix our mind on Jesus in these trials. Hebrews Chapters 11 and 12 are really helpful as they outline the 'heroes' of our faith, and remind us that they, and even more so, Christ Jesus, went before us and modelled for us a life of faith. I do not wish to negate the pain people may go through, or that there may be times when somebody suffers from clinical depression which requires medical help; however I think in our modern age we can struggle to distinguish between clinical depression and simple human grief and sadness. There are days when it can be hard to get out of bed. There can be floods of emotion. It can be difficult to eat or sleep. One friend encouraged me at this time - just keep doing what you know to be right, putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing, and one day the fog will lift. Simple words, but they proved true and I have used them to encourage others.

7) That God does not let us be tested beyond what we can bear 1 Cor 10:13. Sometimes, if I was to tell you ahead of time what trials you might face in the future, you might feel that you could not stand up under it. Believe me, I would have been just the same if you had spoken to me of her death. But when we were in the storm, God was very much in the midst of it with us. We knew that more clearly than ever before, and it was a real gift to have 'our faith, which is of greater worth than gold which perishes though refined by the fire' proven genuine. (1 Peter 1)

8) The value of every single life. We had a six week period when we knew that our daughter would be profoundly disabled, but there was a chance that she might live for a few years. All my human hopes and dreams for her had evaporated - she would never climb a mountain, she would never make friends or marry, she would never learn to play music and sing, she would never run barefoot along a beach at sunrise... And yet, her life was as God had ordained. I did not find this easy to accept. God provided a wonderful Christian neurologist who told us that we should try and see her as the child God had made her to be. God had created her body, soul and spirit. The body was broken, badly broken, but the spirit had not changed. I cannot express how much those words meant, and how God used one of His servants who was just in the right place. It has also given me a greater respect and compassion for parents of 'special needs' children, and perhaps some insight into some of their deeper (and at times, darker) feelings. I see this also as a gift.

9) The value of simple comments and conversations: In the example above, I do not think the neurologist really had an idea of how immensely helpful his words were. He just spoke from his godly worldview and his medical experience. It made me realise just how powerfully uplifting simple encouragements can be, and has encouraged me to seek to use my words wisely. The book of Proverbs is instructive as to the healing power of wise and gentle words, and yet the destruction that can be brought by foolish and unguarded use of the tongue. Every one of us can be used by God simply through wise and godly conversation.

10) The biggest one of all I have kept for last. It was extremely painful to have our daughter die. We would have done anything possible to stop it from happening. It made us think long and hard about the sacrifice God made for us, sending His Son to die willingly for people who at that time hated Him. Would I have chosen to have my daughter die? No way! And yet God was willing to go through that pain because of His love for us. Taking the bread and wine at communion has never been the same since - I feel utterly overwhelmed and humbled by what Christ did for me.

Each of these lessons has been a gift; I've seen God's love and grace more clearly. I've appreciated the truth of eternity, the power of faith and the importance of priorities. I feel that distracting superficiality has been stripped away, and the remaining days of life are focussed on serving Him. And I've learnt the value of generosity and kind words, and the impact this may have on others without us even realising it.

Simplifying childhood and natural learning

Sometimes, especially during hot afternoons, I love watching my children play. Our garden has several palm trees which regularly provide us with large, flat pieces of wood and long thin leaves which are perfect for weaving. I am amazed by the variety of different adventures the boys have with these. They have built yurts in Siberia, rafts to float down the Nile, tee-pees and Masai warrior shelters, great ships and tiny canoes. They each have a square blanket (which are actually Masai blankets) that are transformed into all kinds of different outfits, are used as parts of tents or as sails. One is currently in use as a hammock. Often the adventures they embark upon have been influenced by something we have recently read - and the Sonlight curriculum we follow is rich in 'living books' - true to life stories of people who actually lived in an era together with a selection of inspiring biographies. It is good to stop and watch them growing, learning, exploring and developing. Sometimes I feel that they haven't listened 'well' to a particular story or lesson, only to see them acting it out later on (often a week or two later); this is something I have been noticing with the boys for quite a few years, but which I often forget. It is too easy to look for instant 'results' or measurable attainments and lose sight of the bigger picture (at least it is with my kind of goal-directed, problem solving, systematic approach to situations!)

But it does sometimes require taking a step back! We need to provide them with enough space and time for this creativity to develop. We need to allow them to work at a challenge and find a solution. It is quite impressive to watch the visuo-spatial skills of my seven year olds, as they work out the best way to hoist a sail using a home-made pulley slung over a branch on the avocado tree. They have figured out quite a lot about what makes a structure stable and rainproof. The develop ingenious ways of lashing pieces of wood together using palm leaves. It can be very tempting as a parent to watch them working at something and want to jump in, show them what they should do, and launch into a mini-lecture, embracing this as a 'teachable moment'. There may be a time and place for that, but there is also a place in creative play where the parent's role is to step back. Charlotte Mason wrote quite a bit about that - a kind of watchful attention, but giving the children freedom and space.

I had to laugh when reading this article about how we 'protect' our children to the point of depriving them of physical exercise, exposure to nature and many extremely valuable opportunities. It made me laugh because, sadly, this is something we see so often, and I was quite relieved to hear this voice of reason. Our neighbours really worry about having our children play with sticks, and completely miss the fact that they are building and being constructive with these and rarely have even a minor injury. Back home, I remember being astonished on a snowy Saturday when we were alone in our local park, but being told that it was too cold for children to play (it was above zero!). Whenever we return to developed countries, we are often shocked at the rising rates of childhood obesity and how few children seem to play outside. Parents seem to utterly miss the point that by protecting their children from perceived harms now is storing up for them a whole raft of future harms, in terms of their health but also their emotional and psychological (and one might argue even spiritual) development.

Giving the children the space and time they need for creativity, perhaps especially outdoor creativity, also takes an intentional choice in terms of schedule. We are slightly protected from this where we are currently living, but there is an increasing tendency to fill every spare moment with some kind of 'extracurricular' activity. Sports, music, dancing, choir, drama, structured field trips with other children, the list could go on. I've read some very interesting articles on this topic lately. For example, this one describes how the behaviours identified among children who are overstimulated with too much 'stuff' and too much exposure to excessive stimulation and entertainment can actually resemble that of children who have been exposed to real trauma; the children become restless, unsettled, anxious and unable to concentrate. It makes a lot of sense. I have friends back home who seem to have whole rooms overflowing with brightly coloured plastic toys, and yet the children never seem to play with any one thing. Some parents see this as an indication that the children are 'bored' with what they have and need more, but in fact the opposite is likely to be true. I see that in my own children; in how they can be perfectly fulfilled with pieced of wood and leaves and the time and space to really play. Some other suggestions on how you could simplify and unclutter your life are here. Sometimes, as an expatriate living overseas, one can hear a little voice of untruth, telling us that our children are missing out on some of the things they would have at home; however, I need to see the lack of exposure to 'stuff' as an advantage, not something to lament.

Homeschooling provides the perfect way to step off the treadmill of constant activity, but even here there can be a temptation to 'achieve' and to 'give your child every opportunity'. There can also be a temptation to feel the need to 'prove ourselves' academically to those who are unsupportive of our choices. On that note, I was very encouraged to read this article describing an American college Professor's impression of homeschooled students. That particular blog contains links to other studies providing clear data that homeschooled children excel in their early years at college and are more capable of independent, enquiring learning. (There are also some hints as to areas that we might need to work a little on - note taking and timed assignments under 'exam' conditions as the children get towards college age, for example). This didn't really surprise me. When I went to University to study medicine in a different country to where I had attended secondary school, I was quite shocked by students who had apparently 'excelled' in secondary school but who seemed to really struggle with the materials we encountered in first year. I came to appreciate that some of those who had been to the more prestigious secondary schools had been taught how to pass the relevant examinations, rather than having really been taught how to learn. Homeschooling takes that to a different level: we actively encourage our students to pursue their areas of curiosity and to find answers and solutions to their questions from the earliest years; I can fully see how this would prepare them better for life-long learning, and indeed it is maintaining and building upon that natural love of learning which was a major factor motivating us to homeschool in the first place.

Often I read blogs of women (as it is usually the women who write on this topic, not because the dads don't feel the same too!) who remind us that these early years, although intense and at times exhausting, are actually blissful days with unique opportunities that will not come again. I had a recent conversation in the canteen at work about the merits of putting primary school and pre-school aged children into boarding schools; it was quite shocking to hear some of the arguments. Some people are very keen to push their children out of the door, and then lament about the fact they don't know or understand their adolescent. Again, I was thankful for the choices that we have made, and that although tiring, we can enjoy this time with our family. This was reinforced when we found some old short videos made at the time when I had three children aged under three. It feels like yesterday, and yet when I look at them now, I realise just how much they have grown and changed, and how we probably won't play some of those games again.

I have friends in different places of the world who are going through real trial at the moment. Bereavement, illness, separation from loved ones because of visa issues, political instability, discouragement. And as I pray for my friends, I take time to thank God for the simple blessings in day to day life.

A New Year testimony: God will be with you, wherever you go

Yesterday at church, people gave testimonies of God's goodness over 2016. For me, one of the most amazing things in 2016 was the arrival of our fifth child in April. When we started the year, we did not know whether we would be approved for adoption, of if we were, whether we would wait a long time before being matched. We are very thankful for how things turned out.

But that was not what I spoke about. I spoke about how nine years ago, we were expecting our first child, also a daughter. I reflected about God's faithfulness - about lessons we learnt then, which we carry with us into every day. Sometimes people think that 'testimonies' have to be about major breakthroughs, or healing, or success, or supernatural provision. I wanted to bring a deeper message of hope: that whatever may come, we can be fully confident that God will be with us and be all we could ever need. There were six main points I brought out:

1) Bad things will happen. In 1 Peter, the church are reminded 'do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial that is to try you as though some strange thing happened to you' (1 Peter 4:12). Jesus reminds us that, 'In this world, you will have tribulation'. In part, I was making the point that even as a foreigner, we are not immune to trial (lately, there have been times when I have felt that it is assumed that as a white person we never face trials or loss of any kind). But more than that, it was a reminder that God's word is perfect for all situations, and prepares and equips us for whatever we may face (2 Tim 3:16).

2) We should not worry. Matthew Chapter 6 goes into quite a lot of detail as Jesus tells His followers not to worry about the practicalities of life, not to worry about tomorrow, not to fear. There is no point and it changes nothing. And truth be told, often the thing we worry most about is not the trial which actually takes us by surprise.

3) God's grace is ALWAYS sufficient (2 Cor 12:9). One of the biggest lessons we learnt during our daughter's illness is that God gives enough strength, enough hope, enough peace - at the perfect time when it is needed. It was never that we felt we had sufficient 'in the bank' to draw from. If you had told me before what was to come, I would never have thought we would get through that time. But God proved His perfect love and grace time after time, and gave beyond what we thought possible. Isaiah 43:2 speaks of how, 'WHEN you walk through the flames, I will be with you, WHEN you pass through the rivers they will not overflow you'; not if, WHEN. The promise is true.

4) Our faith is proven genuine. 1 Peter chapter 1 speaks of how 'in this you greatly rejoice, though if need be you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though tested by fire, may be found to praise, honour and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ'. As my daughter faced death, I knew for the first time with complete certainty that my faith was genuine. As I felt I lost everything in the world, heaven was more real to me than ever, and I had no doubt whatsoever. Corrie ten Boon once said, 'I didn't realise Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had'.

5) God's word is proven genuine. For many years we had prayed for the chance to share our faith plainly with those around us, and during the six weeks of her illness (where we were communicating by email since we were far from either our African or European homes) and afterwards, we can be pretty confident that everybody we knew well had heard the gospel. Years later I heard of somebody who became a Christian at her funeral. Even now, I hear people speak of the encouragement and challenge to their faith that her life was.

6) 'All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be' - Psalm 139; these words are on her gravestone. There is no such thing as a life 'cut short'. We all have the number of days God has given us, and responsibility to use those well. God was glorified more through our daughter's three month life than through many much longer lives. It is important to remember that - not to feel wronged or cheated, but to trust entirely.

As I spoke yesterday, and as I write today, I want to encourage you that whatever 2017 brings, God will be with you and will provide all you need.

Advent activities and traditions

It's nice to sit down and reflect on the past few weeks - there has barely felt like a spare moment, and even though the days have been filled with good things, I have longed for a little peace. It was relatively recently that I discovered that my personality is more introvert than extrovert; people tend to assume that if you have a leadership role, and are comfortable with public speaking and teaching, that you love being surrounded by people all the time. It's not that I don't enjoy company, but if I really seek refreshment, some quiet time alone is more profitable.

Christmas is suddenly very close, and it is the related activities that have made the weeks busy. I'm going to reflect a little on some of these things. First and foremost, I have rejoiced that everything we have been involved in has been very Christ-centred, and represents a real change from the more materialistic, entertainment driven culture found back in the UK (at least in our experience!). I wrote a little about that last year here. Also, as a home educating parent, I find it interesting and encouraging to reflect on the lessons and skills that have been developed through a wide range of 'extracurricular' activities (or put less formally, through enjoying advent together as a family in the context of a vibrant church).

1. The children had the opportunity to join their choir singing at the national theatre over the weekend, and that involved plenty of rehearsals including seeing how the lighting and sound was set up. I was encouraged by the boost to their confidence that this was, and the things they learned through the experience (other than simply learning to sing in a group - in fact their part was relatively small, but as I realised watching them over that time, that didn't matter so much).

2. I recently reflected on multi-cultural celebrations, and last weekend our church had a day of sharing food, music and dance from our different cultures. The theme was 'unity in diversity' and it was like a small foretaste of heaven when 'every tribe and tongue' will be found rejoicing before the Throne of God. The children are old enough now to really enjoy these occasions, and they wore their national dress, learnt several songs and were involved in teaching a dance. Whilst the theme of the day was more about worship, it was also encouraging as a home educating parent to see the number of skills that they are developing without even really trying; relating to people from all over the world, being aware of their own cultural heritage (s), learning and singing songs in public, enjoying a range of different foods (my friend who was going to bring grasshoppers cooked in a kind of peanut butter sauce was unfortunately delayed and unable to bring his favourite dish).

3. This weekend was the Christmas production, and again, we were able to get quite involved as a family. So, there were days when we had 25 people over for breakfast (a bucket of local porridge, drank out of cups), followed by singing and dancing in the front garden. It was good for the children to see how a performance is developed - to see the mistakes made in practice, to see different people trying the different roles, to see songs abandoned and new songs chosen, to help decide how to build a set, to find out how to make multi-purpose costumes on a budget and to be involved in each step of the process. The actual event was fun (and got nice feedback), but for me, it was the practices that were most enjoyable. It is always through serving together that relationships move from being superficial acquaintances to something more meaningful, and it was very encouraging to watch all of the children interacting so well with their many friends at church. A year ago, we began to get to know people through being peripherally involved in the Christmas production, and I was able to look back and reflect on how God has blessed us this year through becoming integrated into our church and community. (In fact, it's that which has made me struggle to find time to blog lately - that the house has often been full. A blessing and a privilege, and I really would not want it any other way).

4. So now, we have a relatively quiet week heading up to Christmas. We will have our house group over to sing carols, and will be spending some time with friends, but we have more time to focus on the Jesse tree and related activities, something which is becoming quite a tradition for our family. (As an aside, I read this blog from somebody overseas about Christmas traditions, and it made me a little sad; I see that having your own family traditions assumes even greater importance in a cross-cultural setting) As well as the 'emblems' to draw or colour and hang on our spray-painted branch, we have a large timeline across the wall where the children are free to draw or write anything that goes along with the Bible narrative. It's been very interesting to see how their understanding develops year on year. I love watching how they draw some of the Bible stories as it shows their interpretation and understanding. I'd seen some other resources online about 'kindness' tasks to be done through advent, and I thought that might be a very useful supplement to what we were already doing. So in each of the Jesse tree envelopes, they have a 'task'. None of the lists available online were really applicable to our cultural setting, the resources we have access to or the ages and interests of our children. So I made a list. I thought about areas where they struggle. I also am keen for them to go through their books and toys and see what can be given away. Our church has an outreach into a nearby slum in January, so it is an ideal time to put things aside to give to those who have great need. It is also good for the children to see how much they have, and how they can bless others. Other tasks have been to write letters to the people who have taught them (choir, sports etc), to Skype somebody they haven't spoken to for a long time, to write home, to help cook, to read stories to their siblings and so forth. I've been encouraged by how much they have embraced these tasks.

5. In between these things, we've enjoyed making cards together as a family. Each person has had a task. We have palm trees that regularly shed leaves and sections of wood, and so we've been able to make a nice design, and get the children to choose verses and use nice pens to write the cards. Each time a person is heading to the UK, we've given a batch of items to post. We have also tried via the local post office, and will be interested to see whether things actually reach their destination. In amongst this, again there have been many valuable lessons - art and craft, design, team work, discipline, kindness and so forth. There have been some days where I have felt that we have been so busy having fun that we haven't done much 'school' (although we are keeping up with the schedule for the curriculum we are using). But then, I need to remember that at this age, many mainstream schools would spend a lot of time on art, craft, working on performances and so forth. As a home educator, that really isn't so very different, except that we can choose tasks that we feel build the skills we wish to cultivate.

So, five different areas where we have been blessed and encouraged. Personally, I am now looking forward to a slightly quieter week. The children are tired, and need a bit more rest. We are continuing our typical homeschool pattern (basically 'school' between 8 and 11am with extra things in the afternoons) right up until Christmas, as we all find the routine makes the home more peaceful. I know others take more of a break, but for us, it can be counter-productive and we do better with the discipline and structure.

I wonder how you have found advent? Have you any family traditions that help you learn and grow together?

International celebrations and rich diversity

One of the things I love most about home education is how the whole of life is an education. It does not have boundaries and limits with a clear delineation as to where 'school' starts and stops. The only time that ever presents a challenge is when we have visitors who don't understand that - people who have not come across home education sometimes seem to expect to see children sitting quietly at desks doing worksheets for hours at a time, but really nothing is further from the truth.

Yesterday was St Andrews Day. One of my children was born in Scotland (as was I). We are in the slightly unusual situation where our four living children were all born in different countries. This is a great opportunity to celebrate four times as many national holidays as many other people might, and to learn the foods, dances, songs and traditions of four different cultures. So, yesterday, the boys wore kilts, hoisted the Saltire outside the house, learnt some songs (either describing key historical events, or simply the beauty of Scotland) and some poems. We cooked haggis and tatties. We had to improvise neeps (Swede, which you cannot get here) out of carrot, pumpkin and sweet potato, but it worked reasonably. We toasted the haggis. And we enjoyed remembering my beautiful homeland.

As I reflected, I saw all the wonderful educational opportunities that came from this. We'd recently watched some Scottish history DVDs and as we learnt some of the songs, we were familiar with the history that was referred to. We talked about language development - our most famous poet, Robert Burns, wrote in Scots, which is very different to Gaelic. We looked at recipes and talked about the reasons why it is harder to get oats in East Africa than in Scotland - to do with climate etc. We discussed why haggis in its purest form is illegal in the USA (because it contains sheep lung). When our guests arrived, the boys led some singing (and I was surprised at just how well they had learnt some of the songs and how well they did this) - in the Sonlight curriculum, there are times when the children are meant to memorise a poem and recite it for friends. We've never really managed that, but I realised that we were actually embracing the opportunity to do this which came naturally.

Yesterday I also reflected on another experience of the rich diversity to which my children are exposed. My seven year old had the task to write about the 'history of a coin' - to find a coin and then to consider the story of that coin before it came to us. Who it belonged to. What it was spent on. How it came to us and so forth. Now, this particular son collects coins. Whenever one of us travels, he doesn't want anything other than a few coins from that country. Another friend who also travels extensively has also provided him with a range of coins, so now he has quite a collection. So yesterday, we invented a new game. You pick a coin and tell the story. Yesterday, we were young children in the Andes, living in the mountains but going to town to trade. We were in Denmark living on a dairy farm. We were in a city in the USA. We were enjoying a barbecue on an Australian beach. I could go on. What struck me was just how much three boys, aged seven, six and four know about countries and cultures throughout the world - more than many much older people. I think with home education, it can be easy to look at the things we are not achieving, and not pause to consider the areas where progress has been made. One of the main reasons we chose Sonlight was because worldview and having a broad understanding of the world we live in was a priority. The mechanics of reading, writing and arithmetic will come with time and practice, but there is so much more, so very much more to an elementary education. And often with the three R's, progress is made most when the child sees the reason for acquiring the skill and how it will be used - and that can often be to write about and describe the rich world around us!

In just over a week, our church is having a celebration of unity in diversity. People will wear their traditional dress, will cook regional foods, will sing songs or tell stories from their own culture. Again, this is a wonderful opportunity for the children to learn more than could be gained from sitting in a classroom reading a book!

I feel encouraged as I look at these things, and am thankful for the freedom of home education to provide a child with a rich perspective on life.

Where are the 'still waters'?

'The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters; He restores my soul' Psalm 23:1-3

That is one of the best known parts of the Bible. Even many people who have never been to church or who have very little understanding of Christianity are familiar with the words. But at times, familiarity can breed contempt; we can become so familiar with words that we neglect to stop and really consider what these mean and how they can apply to our lives today.

Over the past couple of weeks, a question I have been asking myself is, 'Where are the still waters when life is busy with small children and a seemingly endless list of tasks and responsibilities?' I hear of others who go on retreats, or go out for coffee with a good friend, or have some time away with their spouse in order to simply spend time thanking God for that relationship and to pray about and plan. I speak with those who have recently read a challenging book, or who have had time to really dig into what the Bible says and spend time refreshing their soul. I don't often find such times, and I know that I am far from alone in that!

In Isaiah Chapter 40 verse 11, it reads, 'He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young'. That is a beautiful promise - that 'those that have young' are recognised and words of special tenderness are spoken. It is a reminder that God knows about this phase of life, and promises to be gentle with us through it. It's this gentleness that can sometimes be lacking when we lack understanding of God's grace; it is easy to become our own worse enemies in that respect.

But back to my question. Still waters. Where? Well, I have been encouraged by finding these in several places. Five examples:

1) First and foremost through reading the Bible. I might not have as much time as I would like to quietly read the Bible alone early in the morning, or to be able to read commentaries and look up the original texts. But I read the Bible to my children several times each day. Often through reading aloud, and through answering some of their questions, there comes a fresh perspective. We can put our devotional time into a 'box', thinking that if it is not done in a certain way, then somehow it doesn't 'count'. But by stepping back from that, I realise that I have more time to read and discuss the Bible each day than many others, and that this is a privilege and a blessing.

2) By stopping to enjoy the moment. 'Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself' Matthew 6:33-34. There are times when the children are playing well in the garden, pretending to be explorers, or savages, or pirates, or kings. It is easy at those moments for me to rush inside and try and tick of some more tasks on my mental to-do list. However, there is often no need. I can sit and enjoy a coffee, enjoy the sound of birdsong and children playing and reflect on how abundantly God has blessed me. I think most parents can relate to this: that sometimes you just look at all your children in amazement. Do we spend enough time simply doing this, or are we often too busy dealing with some issue or other?

3) By choosing their read-alouds carefully. There are some poor books out there, and many mediocre ones. But there are also some excellent books which bring out important values and teach many lessons. This is one thing I love about the curriculum we use, Sonlight, because great care has been taken to choose books that are of great value. We supplement this with Christian biographies (mainly Trail Blazers [written for children aged 8-12ish], but sometimes ones which are written for adults - although we need to take care to avoid some topics which are not age-appropriate). I find these wonderfully encouraging! And by reading books that I find encouraging, and discussing them with the children, I find refreshment. I've recently commented on the Jungle Doctors books - these have also been enjoyable, encouraging and have stimulated some great conversations.

4) By choosing to focus on the task immediately at hand, rather than running through the next lot of things that needs to be done. That may sound fairly obvious, but when I am tired I can start to feel anxious about everything that is piling up. However this week we've enjoyed some painting, some baking, a couple of lovely walks - all precious moments with the children which will not necessarily come again. I know that one of the major reasons why people choose to home educate is to maximise these opportunities, but I can see that you can also start to get into a bit of a rut where you fail to embrace these.

5) By not comparing. It can be so easy to look at others who appear to have something which you lack - whether that be a strong social support network, particularly studious/ athletic/ musical children, more time for friendships, a more comfortable financial situation or whatever. But that is not the life God has given you. God has placed you here, now, for a good reason. When you take a step back and remember that even (at times especially!) through the mundane God can be glorified, it brings a wonderfully refreshing perspective. Who are you doing it for? Are you seeking the approval of others, or from God? 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord and not for men. It is the Lord Christ you are serving' Colossians 3:23 There can be times when weariness comes from discontentment, and we can choose to rejoice in what God has wisely given each one of us.

So, whereas a week or so ago, I felt really low spiritually and emotionally, God has provided me with much encouragement. I am still tired. I still feel a little like I have hit a wall at a certain point in the evening. Physically I haven't seen a huge change, but I feel far more peaceful and able to trust God through this season of life.

Grace

And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity. 2 Corinthians 9:8 (The Amplified Bible)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Last week I wrote about exhaustion, about how I felt I was approaching burnout, and how I had become aware that something needs to change in order to enable rest and refreshment whilst not neglecting my responsibilities in and out of the home.

This week, I have thought much about grace. I began to see clearly that there can often be a disconnect between what we might believe and how we actually apply that truth in our own lives. I sometimes can be aware that I can help and encourage a friend through a situation or trial where I myself am actually really struggling. I can say the words to others that I need to hear more than anything.

I've been thinking about my professional training. There are different types of training. There are the facts that you learn in a lecture theatre or in a practical class. There is the application of these which builds as you are exposed to increasing numbers of clinical cases. Then there are the subtle things that you are never really aware of being taught, but which develop with time. I remember as a medical student being told that you can learn something of great value from every clinician you work alongside, even if what you learn is how NOT to do things. That was so true! You could see the doctors who were able to communicate well with a patient, were really able to express empathy and show the patient that they were being heard, were in good hands and that they were fully respected as a person. I remember one day realising that those seniors who always seemed in a hurry and not to have time to listen actually took the same amount of time with each patient. I suddenly saw that there was a skill there, a real art, in being able to put the patient at ease and use the time wisely. Putting people at ease is something which I find I do naturally now - I tend to sense when another person is feeling uncomfortable in a situation and to reassure them. But what I can sometimes forget is that this might not be a natural response to others. It may not be because they don't hear or don't care, it just might not be a skill that has been acquired.

Why do I use that example? Well, over the past week I've been a bit more honest with a couple of people about how I have been feeling. And a couple of friends have replied to say that in their own lives, they feel frustrated when other people seem to be being offered lots of help and support, but nobody seems to hear them or recognise their needs. Hearing this, I started to realise this kind off thinking is risky - there is a risk of bitterness. It is only a small step towards thinking that nobody cares, and triggering a negative spiral of self-pitying thoughts. I know. I've been there before, it helps nobody and it is not in line with God's truth.

Its the disconnect between what we say we believe about grace, and what we really live in the light of. The Bible has so much to say about grace that I can hardly know where to start, but there are two verses that really struck me this week - the ones quoted above. ALL grace to ABOUND. Not just a little bit, but abounding. Plenty. Perfectly sufficient for every situation. Grace. No need to struggle, or fight, or try to earn. No need to clamour, no need to protest. No need to have external recognition (whether that be words of appreciation or acts of support). Simply perfect rest in the knowledge that God's promises are true, and He promises rest and peace.

Of course this doesn't change the things that need to be done, but it does change my attitude. There are some things which cannot be put off or delegated. But for me, some of the problem has also been worrying about the 'to-do lists' and worrying about not responding rapidly to queries and tasks. There are times when I can switch off. When the children are playing, rather than thinking about the next item on the list, I can sit down and just enjoy watching them. I've discovered there are small pockets of time in a day where I can rest, and even if not able to read my Bible or a book, I can meditate on what I have read earlier. I can pray. I can thank God for my family and all He has blessed us with. I can enjoy the moment rather than worrying about all the other things that need to be done.

It may sound small, but it is a small thing that has made a big difference. 

Where do you see grace in your everyday life?

Fellowship, hospitality and encouragement

'Be hospitable to one another without grumbling' 1 Peter 4:9

'Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels' Hebrews 13:2

'A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed' Proverbs 11:25

Beautiful classical piano fills my home, and the scent of night jasmine filters through the window. It is slightly cooler this evening after a late afternoon thunderstorm. It has been a while since I felt so relaxed.

Recently I wrote a little about a challenging guest - and in honesty, the way I felt after that experience was that I did not want to have anybody stay for a long, long time. I knew that feeling to be wrong, but I felt exhausted, drained, criticised, stretched, frustrated, isolated and misunderstood. Anyway, we had a weekend to ourselves before our next guest arrived - and for this I am most thankful.

There have been many times in my life when I have been greatly blessed by people who have opened their lives and their homes to me. In fact, it was non-judgemental, patient hospitality which enabled me to hear the gospel in the first place when I was seventeen years old. Up to that point, I had frequently felt judged and simply never 'good enough'. I met missionaries who simply loved me, cared for me and spoke the truth gently to me, and God used that to transform my life. 

I am thankful that I have tasted true fellowship and hospitality - more than simply having 'the young people' over for a meal or providing a basic need, but rather people who have been lavish in their care, without begrudging the time and effort that has required. Recently I reflected on the time we suddenly ended up in a city in a strange country - where I did not even know where we were until I looked it up on a map. Our daughter was dying, we were far from home, and a Christian family that were friends-of-friends welcomed us into their home for six weeks. It could have been longer; none of us knew how long we would be there. It was not simply a roof over our heads, it was a family who loved and cared for us, who considered the details (thinking about what we might need, trying to smooth the way for us as much as possible, taking far greater care of us than we were taking of ourselves). Indeed, this was among the most powerful testimonies to non Christians around us; just who were these strangers who were providing for us in such a way? 

We prayerfully trust God that He will bring people to stay with us. I remember being very challenged as a young Christian reading about L'Abri fellowship in Switzerland, the ministry of Francis and Edith Schaeffer. They did not advertise their ministry, but rather prayed that God would bring the right people to them. We seek to have a similar principle in our home.

So, two weeks after having felt apprehension about another guest, we are enjoying a wonderful blessing as we host a young woman who has come here for a few months to teach music. She was homeschooled herself, the eldest of seven children, and has experienced a range of church contexts and challenges. She understands children well, knows when to be strict, is able to get down to their level and seems to know instinctively when to get more involved and when to take rest. And this evening, whilst my husband is overseas (him being the pianist in the family), we were able to enjoy a beautiful time of worship followed by the treat of her simply playing beautiful music for pleasure.

It might sound a small thing. But to me, I could see God's blessing, encouragement, provision and refreshment. It's been a tiring few months. I always find things a little harder when my husband is away and I am juggling homeschooling, professional work (squeezed into the night hours), the necessary chores of running a household and making sure that I eat and rest enough. So to have an evening like this was an unexpected treat, and a rebuke for my attitude of a few weeks ago.

How do you feel about offering hospitality? Does it fill you with fear? Do you feel drained before you even start? Or do you see it as a God-given opportunity to serve? I am reminded that the Lord does know how we feel. There were many times in His ministry where endless people with diverse needs would flock to him. He was fully man, so knew fatigue, hunger, discouragement and loneliness. And yet, there are promises in Scripture too. Through sharing, through moving beyond our comfort zone can come abundant blessing.