Nine years ago. Thanksgiving as we remember.

Tomorrow, my daughter would have been nine. Can I even say that though? Psalm 139 is clear: 'All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be'. It doesn't seem right to say 'would have been' or 'should have been' because that suggests that her life was ever meant to be any longer than it was. Maybe to rephrase, nine years ago tomorrow, we celebrated the birth of our first child.

I've written before about how grief changes with time. The most read post on this blog was a 'wish list' I wrote seven years after her death. I've reflected on the amazing hope we have of eternity, and how there are many precious lessons which we take with us into every day. Sometimes I consider specific aspects of grief, for example how fathers are sometimes forgotten when it comes to miscarriage or infant death.

Tonight, I simply wanted to stop and reflect. We were told that when we had children, 'nothing would ever be the same again'; this was absolutely true, but not in the way we expected! Our perspective changed entirely, and through the juxtaposition of absolute joy and almost unspeakable grief, we came to understand the love of God in a new way. When we remember that God sent His only Son into this world to die for sinners like us, willingly, it almost blows us away. We understood a little more of what that might have cost, and what an amazing gift of grace it was.

So, nine years later, do I have anything different to say than I might have done after one, two or five years? Much is similar, but perhaps I'd emphasise some things more now.

1) We long to hang onto every memory. When she was ill, she lost the ability even to cry. I remember one day, realising that I couldn't remember her own particular cry. I couldn't remember my daughter's voice. And I felt loss. We used to use a particular baby lotion that had a lovely smell. For a while we still had a small pot of it, but after time it lost its scent. It seemed silly to buy another (it was available in South Africa, but not where we were now living). And with time, I forgot that smell. It's the small things like that, that with time, these memories fade.

2) We love to hear about how her life challenged people. I've said that before, but perhaps this element grows stronger with time. It's quite easy for everybody to be emotional and 'challenged' around the time of a death or a funeral, but with time many people go back to their 'normal' lives. When I hear stories of how people were changed forever, that gives me real joy. Several years after she died, we heard testimony from a young man who became a Christian at her funeral. That man is now an elder at our church in the UK, and recently preached a sermon which included that testimony. To us, that is one of the most encouraging things - that through her illness and death, some people came to salvation. I hold onto a mental picture of her greeting us in heaven and showing us all the ways her life brought glory to God, introducing us to people who heard the gospel through her life. Of course we have no idea what heaven will be like, but I am sure that we will know everything about things that have brought God glory. And that will be simply amazing.

3) It still hurts. Grief does change with time. At first, you don't think you can get through a day without feeling it all day, every day. Then one day you laugh again. And another day, it is not your first thought in the morning. But even with time, there can come waves of grief - perhaps triggered by a sight, a sound, a smell, perhaps relating to the experience of a friend or relative, or perhaps utterly inexplicable. It can be strange to try and explain it to others, and it can feel quite isolating. There are other days when it almost feels as though it was all something that happened to somebody else in a different life. There doesn't seem to be any clear reason why we might feel so differently one day to the next.

4) Anniversaries are precious. They are landmarks where you can stop and reflects. Time moves fast, and life gets busy. It's helpful to stop, reflect, remember, and give thanks. Sometimes people don't want to upset us by letting us know they remember these, but believe me, it means a lot, and probably more so as the years go by.

5) We would never have changed things for a minute. We are thankful for the gift that she was, are thankful that she is now rejoicing in heaven, are thankful that we could see God's goodness and grace through her life, are thankful that others heard the truth of the gospel, are thankful that God showed us where our priorities should lie, are thankful for the valuable lessons we learnt regarding what is most important for our other children. We see her whole life as a wonderful gift.

6) We still like to talk about her! I don't think that will ever change.

Living in the light of eternity

Last week a friend from back home died. It was not altogether unexpected, and he was a fine Christian so we know he is now in heaven rejoicing forever. But whilst the Bible tells us that we 'do not grieve as those who have no hope', that does not mean people should not grieve. There will be sadness, loss, pain and emptiness. Another friend has suddenly become a widow and her young son has lost his father. We feel sadness, and long to be with our friends, standing with them in their grief. (As an aside, missing happy occasions like weddings because of being overseas is a little tough at times, but being far from friends in times of trial and grief is far harder!)

When thinking and praying, particularly for the young boy, I was reminded of the many times my children have surprised me by faith and wisdom often surpassing my own. It feels timely to re-post something I wrote two years ago regarding how having had a sister die has affected my children positively. In the two years that have passed, I would say the same things, but perhaps even more so - our boys have a real confidence and hope of heaven, and that security is surely a blessing indeed!

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Often you hear about how the siblings of an ill or disabled child develop unique strengths of character and frequently enter caring professions. Recently I have been encouraged by how my sons approach having had an older sister who died before they were born (more on our story is found here, here and here). Tomorrow would have been her seventh birthday. Her birthday brings such mixed emotions - remembering the fresh hope of becoming parents, the hopes and dreams (many of which may have been unrealistic) that we had, but also the sadness of having watched her die. But we do have hope that we will see her again. Yesterday we spoke of how she can't come back to us, but that one day we can go to her - as David said after the death of his firstborn son, 'But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23. And in the light of that, I'd like to share some encouragements.

1) Heaven is a real place - they love the descriptions of heaven in the book of Revelation ie chapter 21 verses 18-21: 'The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.' They ask many questions about how that could be, and I have heard them talking to one another about how amazing and beautiful it must be. I envy their free, childlike imaginations which are filled with awe as they consider these things.

2) Eternity is real. Their questions about what happens when you die are very simple and direct. They want to know! What happens? Does your body rot away? Do worms eat your eyes? Tonight we read Luke Chapter 12: “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.' They understand that your soul lives on, and that there will be a time of judgement.

3) They care about their eternal destiny. Many times in recent weeks they have asked whether they will see their sister in heaven. We have explained that we very much hope so, but that they therefore need to know where they stand before God. As I've recently blogged, they are increasingly asking questions which encourage me that they are considering these truths carefully. Sometimes it seems like they want to go to heaven just to play with their sister! But on other occasions, they seem to understand that seeing her will be just one of the many amazing things that they get to enjoy.

4) Their questions about resurrection bodies are interesting! The Bible talks of how we will be given a new body - particularly see 1 Corinthians Chapter 15 verses 38-38. I don't think it is possible for us to fully understand what this means of what it will look like, but it is clear that there will be no more sickness, pain or death and that will be marvellous. (They also particularly liked how some of these verses are set to song in Handel's Messiah, and we enjoyed listening to this for a time). What I like here is that the children don't consider that there are some parts of the Bible that are 'good for children' and others that are 'more complicated' - instead they ask very real questions, and as parents we seek to provide them with the most honest answers we are able to. We also appreciate that with their childlike faith they may well understand some of these issues better than we do. This is something that I come back to time and again when I consider how we are seeking to raise our family - that we mustn't stifle their questioning, but also how as parents we need to be familiar with the Bible. As Paul instructed Timothy, 'Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.' (2 Timothy 2:15).

5) Illness and pain and suffering are a 'normal' part of life to them. As doctors (and indeed as church members, or individuals within a society) we often see adults in mid-life who really struggle to cope when they face a bereavement, redundancy, serious illness or disappointment. Quite often it is the first time in their life that they have come across a real challenge, and there are often undertones of, 'It's not fair!', 'Why me?', 'I can't live with this situation', 'How can I keep going?' I do not want to minimise pain. However, as the Apostle Peter wrote to the persecuted church, 'Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.... So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.' (1 Peter 4:12-19) Our boys understand that people do get ill and die. They know that life can bring hardships and pain. These are lessons that many Christian parents will be seeking to teach - and I would also highly recommend Christian biographies which describe how people have brought glory to God through times of trial (reviews of Christian biographies for children arehere and here). It is my prayer that the boys are equipped with the tools they need to stand firm in the face of trial when it hits them.

Of course it is not always so simple! My two year old nodded wisely as I described heaven and eternity, and then asked whether he could go to heaven now in the car, and take his toy plane with him! One of the five year olds wants to spend most of his time in heaven playing with his sister because of all the time he has missed playing with her here. And because tomorrow would be her birthday (and we always do have a cake, although a simple one with plain icing and no candles), one of them asked whether she would come and join us for cake. As with any children, their questions sometimes make me laugh, sometimes make me sad, and really my prayer is that as parents we have wisdom in knowing how best to make the most of opportunities that arise every day as they ask more and more things.

How have times of trial affected your children? Can you think of times when hardship has brought spiritual development to your family?

Hope in Eternity

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Tonight I touch down in the city where my firstborn child died, just over eight years ago (something I have written about here). And as I do, I reflect on many things. This is the city where I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that my faith was genuine. It was the place where the words in 1 Peter about trials, which ‘have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold which perishes though refined by the fire - may result in praise, glory and honour when Christ is revealed’, were proven true. It was a place where I saw Christian love and hospitality like never before, as strangers opened their homes and together Christians provided for all our needs. It was a spiritually rich time where we learnt much about eternity. And yet, there is no changing the fact it is a city tinged with sadness as it is the place where our daughter died, early one morning in the middle of an unseasonal thunderstorm. It reminds me of that morning when we realised that never again would we feel fully at home on this earth, but would long for the days described in Revelation Chapter 21: ‘The Lord Himself will wipe away every tear, and there will be no more sickness or sorrow or death’.

I was reflecting on how that grief changes us. One thing that is absolutely clear is that it is hard to plan for tomorrow. I hear others with young children talking about university fees, or desired events a long time hence such as graduations, marriages, becoming grandparents. I don’t think about such things. Part of me doesn’t really believe that I’ll see my children grow up, cannot assume that we will all live to see such a day. I know others who talk about a time in the future when they might know more rest, but I can’t really look ahead to such a time.

I do know that I am here today, and that my husband and children are healthy and safe in our East African home. I do know that my current God-given responsibilities include loving and supporting my husband, raising our children in a God-honouring way, and undertaking my professional duties to the best of my ability, ‘as working for the Lord, not for men’ (Colossians 3:23). But beyond the immediate future, I cannot really see.

Is this a problem? At times, professionally, I am asked about my ‘five year plan’. I can produce a nice chart showing goals and milestones, but it’s hard to really believe any of it. Personally, I have aims and desires that each of my children grows to maturity knowing and loving the Lord with their whole heart, but I find it difficult to imagine them as teenagers or young adults. In our marriage, I am thankful for seventeen years where we have grown closer to one another, closer to the Lord and had numerous opportunities to serve God together; but I can’t imagine us growing old together, slowing down, spending those twilight years giving thanks for all God has done.

However what I can see is the immediate God-given tasks in front of us. Today, as I departed from home, my husband and sons were entertaining visitors from a different African country. Before I left home, I helped them prepare a meal to share, and was able to spent time encouraging my children in the Bible verses they had learnt this week. I can see the work laid out for the next two days – to bring together a team and train them for a specific purpose, and at all times to seek opportunities to share ‘the hope that I have’ (1 Peter 3:15) I can pray for friends around the world in diverse situations, some of whom I know are facing challenges. And I can sleep peacefully at the end of the day, knowing that God is sovereign and is the One who does know the future and all things that will come to pass.

Jesus taught His disciples, as recorded in the Sermon on the Mount, not to worry about tomorrow. In the letter of James Chapter 4:13-17, some people are rebuked for making future plans presumptuously, saying that ‘today or tomorrow we will go to this city or that city and do business’. The reminder is that God is the one who knows the days and the times. Our responsibility is to live for Him today.

Sometimes I feel there are conversations I cannot relate to. Sometimes I am so very aware that we are ‘strangers’ or ‘pilgrims’ in this world. But again, I do not think this is necessarily a bad thing, and it is certainly a worldview I wish my children to grow up with.

So, flying through a city where my human hopes and dreams were shattered, yet where my faith was strengthened as never before, I give thanks. I give thanks to the One who knows all things, who holds the future and who promises a ‘hope and a future’ (Jeremiah 29:11)

Three years - God's faithful provision

The past three years have brought a range of encouragements, challenges, experiences and adventures. God has answered prayers and directed us step by step. And as a family, I believe we have grown and continue to grow. Here are a few examples:

1)      Embarking on home education. Three years ago, our eldest was nearly three years old and our youngest two months old. In the UK, all three year olds are offered 15 hours of free nursery education – many people accept this happily as the default position, and even consider that it must be beneficial because it is pushed by the government. I was under pressure from some directions to put my eldest two into nursery, and yet we were convinced as a family this was not the route we felt was right. There was a certain amount of misunderstanding and at times well-meaning friends and relatives would try and ‘reason’ with us; the main reason why people seemed to suggest it was to allow me some ‘me time’, a concept which I find contradicts our God-given roles as parents. Others would feel criticised by the fact our decisions were different to theirs. But over time, people have come to accept that home education is something we do. It becomes easier with time, as people become used to the idea, and also as we start to see fruit in the boys lives from the choices we have made.

2)      Three years ago, we did not know where God was leading us as a family. We had spent four wonderful (I need to beware of rose coloured spectacles here, as there were also hardships) years in sub-Saharan Africa, but were now back in the UK without a specific leading or calling. When the baby was three weeks old, an opportunity arose to spend 10 weeks as a missionary doctor family in rural West Africa. This was an amazing blessing – we were inspired particularly to see how God could use a young family and an open home for His glory. Since then, we have lived in two UK cities, and also spent a month in East Africa; now the doors have opened for us to move there for three or four years in several months time. Our testimony has been that ‘Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.’ Psalm 119:105. God has given us enough clarity to take the next step. We often have not known what would lie beyond that, but little by little He leads and guides us. And never ever fails to provide abundantly.

3)      When we first decided to home educate, I was concerned about which curriculum or materials to use, making sure we were covering the full range of topics, working out what the learning styles of my children were and ensuring there were no gaps. I still spend a lot of time considering these things, and reflecting on whether changes are needed at any point. However I have increasingly seen that a lot of it (remember that my eldest is not yet six) is intuitive – children are born to learn, and to a certain extent we just need to provide them with the right resources and point them in the right directions. Rather than proactively setting out a timetable, I have come to realise that we have naturally formed a routine of Bible and reading first thing, leading onto drawing, writing, numbers, colouring and sometimes craft, painting and baking later on before going out to a nearby park for a run around (and sometimes more focussed nature study). The afternoons tend to be more variable, perhaps more reading, going on an outing, meeting friends, doing group activities with a local home education co-op, swimming lessons, gymnastics etc. And when I consider all that we do each day, I realise that for now, we are covering a fairly broad range of disciplines (having said that I am also aware we need to make a specific effort to include a language and things like coding). We also have been impressed by the ethos and range of materials provided by Sonlight, and plan to start using their resources in a more structured way come September.

4)      I had been ill – hyperemesis and eight admissions during my pregnancy, but then continued vomiting for two years afterwards. There was a lot of frustration because I knew what was wrong, but had to wait months for unnecessary tests before going to surgery. I had the surgery to my stomach just over a year ago now, and am back to better health than I had been for a while. This taught me lots of lessons about patience, about trusting God to give you enough strength for each day, and about valuing what you have (I still have aches and pains here and there, but am thankful I have the health and strength to do everything I feel God is calling me to).

5)      Generally just three years of boys growing, developing unique personalities, different strengths and interests, working through challenges and moving on to new ones, and often not quite having enough time to really take stock

These are just a few examples of how God has led and provided for our family over the past three years.

Challenge: When you look at your life and your family, do you feel overwhelmed by what you have ahead of you, or can you look back with thankfulness for God’s provision and guidance? Take time today to give thanks.