What is a family?

God sets the lonely in families Psalm 68:6

Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me Psalm 27:10

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart Hebres 4:12

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

What is family? When you think of your 'family', who do you think of? Are you close, or is there hurt and pain? Is there any hope for reconciliation? Do those who are related to you share your faith and worldview? Is there fellowship or misunderstanding?

I have been pondering this topic much in recent weeks. In my life, some of the most painful experiences have stemmed from broken family relationships. As a teenager I was removed from the care of my parents after many years of abuse, and it took me many years to feel I had 'dealt' with some of the emotional pain resulting from this. I have to struggle to find any 'happy childhood memories' or times where the family dynamic was normal and balanced. I suppose the scars remain to an extent - there are areas of vulnerability where I do not always feel as secure as I ought, or where a random conversation or event can trigger a cascade of unexpected thoughts or emotion.

However, from this dark background, the light of the gospel shone so clearly and brightly and as I accepted the truth therein, I knew what it was to be freed from guilt and shame, to be freed from fear, and to know that my identity was in Christ. If you go through the Bible and look at all the statements that speak of who we are in Christ - it is a remarkable and mind-blowing exercise. As it says in the epistle to the Ephesians, we have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. That is just incredible!

The love and kindness of Christians was key in my conversion. I was a lost, abused, confused seventeen year old, and yet I was treated with love, care, compassion and dignity by the Christians I met. I had never known such acceptance - and came to understand that the love of Christ was unconditional. After years of striving for acceptance (and feeling I failed dismally in this), I knew the freedom of a perfect heavenly Father. I know that some people find that having had a poor role model in their human father can make it difficult to understand and accept the glory of our heavenly Father; however, for me it was the opposite. Knowing that my human parents were so deeply flawed, I was able to embrace the perfect love of my heavenly Father. I remember the first time I read Psalm 27: When my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Even now, that verse melts me; the Bible is inspired and speaks into every situation, and that verse assured me that God knew what I had been through, cared about it, and promised to provide me with something better by far.

Time moved on, and I had my own children. Again, I had no role models to show me how parenting should be - but God provided several amazing families who welcomed me into their lives and let me see how family life worked. Helpful books on Christian parenting were recommended, and I was encouraged to look at what the Bible said about family, parenting, discipline and so forth. Not having had 'natural' role models, God provided me with people who became closer to me than any biological relatives, and for that I am so very thankful.

Two of my children are adopted. As I've written before, adoption is something I find so very beautiful because in many ways it mirrors the work of the gospel in our lives. Something which is broken, and seems beyond hope is restored and given new life and new hope. Yes, as long as we live in this world, there will be scars that remain - perhaps (probably?) at some stage my children will ask difficult questions about abandonment and the circumstances of their early lives. Yet they have a family where they are loved, valued and accepted, and where with the strength God gives us, we will raise them to His glory.

Coming full circle, I recently came to know that my biological family have 'issues' with the fact that we have adopted, and that the adoptions have been cross-cultural. For years, I had wondered why the relationships which were tentative at best had become more and more non-existent (emails not replied to, phones not answered, calls hung up and so forth). At times I felt myself back in the place of an insecure rejected teenager, wondering what I could do to win their love and affection. And now I feel not only rejection for myself and the choices we have made as a family, but also of my children - and that is deeply painful. I do not want my children to be exposed to the same irrational, hurtful rejection which I endured; I want them to know they are loved. (Yes, their behaviour will require discipline, which is not pleasant at the time for them, but that is because of our love for them - see also Hebrews 12! Another topic for another day!) I wish to protect my children (as much as it is possible, depending on me) from harmful attitudes, and many of my own memories of my own family situation remind me of just what I wish them not to know.

Again, I have turned to the Word of God which has everything that is needed to deal with the most crushing and painful situations. Christ Himself knew pain and rejection beyond anything I can imagine. He knew verbal and physical abuse and pain. He knew injustice. 1 Peter 2:21 reads, 'To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps.' As Christians, we are called to suffer. Jesus said, 'I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world' John 16:33. Again I have marvelled at how some of the words of Scripture have been so perfectly apt, so encouraging and so reassuring, guiding me into a closer relationship with God, my perfect heavenly Father. And I have been thankful that whilst my biological family is characterised by deep hurt and broken relationships, that in Christ I am part of a wonderful family of believers.

Why do I write these things tonight? Where is the relevance to a blog focussing on living as a family wholeheartedly for Christ? Here are ten reasons.

1) To acknowledge one of the most painful areas in my life. Perhaps you also have an area which causes great sorrow, and it can be easy to read blogs where everything seems 'perfect' and where there is always the happy ending.

2) To remember that God knows our pain, and cares deeply. Jesus, being fully man, can fully understand our trials and sorrows. We can trust Him and pour out our hearts to Him.

3) That as long as we live in this fallen world, there will be pain. If you have walked through a trial, it may well leave scars. There may be times, even years later, even when you think you have 'dealt with' something, that you walk through a season of sadness again

4) To remember how far God has brought us. As a teenager, I knew no hope at all. Coming to know salvation transformed my life, and gave me a 'hope and a future' (Jer 29:11) I would never have imagined having the family I do now, having my own children, being able to serve in the community where we are, to no longer be labelled as the 'problem child'. Sometimes you just don't realise how far God has brought you until you stop and reflect

5) That through the darkest and most painful times, we see the wonderful blessings of God all the more clearly. Perhaps if I hadn't felt the rejection of my biological family, I might not be able to fully embrace the wonders of my adoption into Christ's family. Perhaps if I felt my own family were good enough role models, I might have missed the blessing of learning from all the wonderful people God has put around me

6) That we no longer need be defined by our past. Many of us do have things which we remember with sorrow or shame. But in Christ, we are new creations, set free for a new life.

7) That we can be freed from negative behaviour patterns. I used to be terrified by statistics that suggested that if you were abused as a child, you were significantly more likely to abuse your own children. Or that if your parents were alcoholics, you would be at much higher risk. I was afraid of having my own children and repeating the behaviours to which I had been exposed. In many places, the  Bible speaks of how we are set free from the curses which may have previously bound us. And for this, I am entirely thankful!

8) That as parents we need to be alert to influences which might harm our children, and seek to minimise their impact. That sounds like an obvious statement, but I was a little taken aback to hear some of the attitudes of my own family towards my children described. I have not fully worked out how to keep a relationship open enough for restoration to be possible, and for reaching them with the love of God to be a priority, whilst not exposing the children to harm. However, we currently live 10 000 miles away, so do not need to work out the precise details right now.

9) That even if our biological families have not been as we would have wanted, that God gives us a wonderful family in Christ

10) And putting it round the other way, maybe your home is stable and loving, and you can welcome somebody from a broken home and show them what true family is.

I don't know what you might be experiencing right now, but I wish to encourage you that God knows the beginning and the end of the situation. His grace is always sufficient, and He is there to comfort us in any sorrows we experience.

God's compassion for the weary

Goodness me, I feel tired. Over the last few days, I've asked myself, and asked my husband, 'Why am I so tired?' I mean, I am going to bed at a sensible time, am not working towards any particular deadline (compared to a couple of months back when I was working in the early morning hours most days), I am not ill, and nothing particular accounts for the tiredness.

That's when we almost need to remind ourselves: We just had a baby! I think this is something that friends and family of those who adopt really need to be aware of - that adopting a baby is just as much of a life event as having a biological child.

It's not so much the new addition to the family, although of course that is part of it. For me, the exhaustion relates more to several months of building adrenaline, including several overseas trips made in knowledge that it might be a while before I can easily travel again, all the interviews and assessments, the uncertainties coming up to panel (particularly the potential questions about home education, which in fact never came), then the drama of the final few weeks when it really came home to us that we actually were about to have a new baby.

I feel very little. It's a very strange time of year for us, as there are many anniversaries. There is a grief which will never go away, but regarding which the feelings and emotions can strike more at random now. There is the anniversary of our middle son coming to join us, which is just a few days after the day that our daughter came home. I would have expected some kind of emotional rollercoaster, but instead I just feel numb. Slightly distant, as though I am watching my life from the outside, perhaps a little like watching a film. Being aware of things as though they happened to somebody else far away. There are days when I want to cry, and I don't know why because I feel we should be so happy as we celebrate the new arrival. Sometimes I just feel lonely and distant. But more than anything there is just a numb heaviness, maybe like a cloak which just wraps around me and drags me down.

I didn't expect to feel this way, but on reflection, I suppose it is hardly surprising. I think it's quite common to feel this way after any really amazing life event - maybe after completing exams, or celebrating the results, to then feel that life is just going on, and there is just as much uncertainty as before. Or having had an amazing holiday or an extremely encouraging time at a conference, to step back into the day to day.

What I have found immensely helpful is looking to the Lord, my source of strength. What I love about the Bible is that it really is 'living and active' (Hebrews Chapter 4). One of the most encouraging stories when you feel like I do now, is found in 1 Kings Chapters 18 and 19.

If you are not familiar with this passage, read the link! 1 Kings 18 describes one of the greatest spiritual victories to be found anywhere in the Bible. Elijah stood alone against 450 prophets of Baal. With a calm and simple prayer, fire from heaven burnt up the sacrifice which had been drenched with water, proving to all, without any shadow of a doubt that the God he worshipped was the one true God. Would you not think that after such an experience, you would never doubt or fear anything in this world ever again? Yet in the very next chapter, Elijah gets overwhelmed by a death threat from Jezebel and runs off in despair. He feels so despondent that he would rather die.

There are many things that are encouraging here:

1) God is the true God, and has absolute power and authority. We must never forget that

2) God does not change like a man does. We might feel up one day, and down the next, but God is entirely consistent

3) Elijah was a human, a frail human, just like us. But God used him greatly

4) God did not berate Elijah and 'kick him when he was down'

5) God knew it was exhaustion above all things. So He provided rest and food until Elijah had recovered a little, and then provided further encouragement afterwards

I recognise here that I am suffering a bit with exhaustion - and that there isn't some deep spiritual problem or depression, but rather that I am just worn out. What I need is rest, and probably one good night of sleep is not quite enough. I need to take care to eat reasonably whilst looking after the family. And I need to make time with God a priority, as much as I can do with the slightly hectic pattern of day to day life.

You know, how I feel now is not dissimilar to how I felt 1-2 weeks after biological children. Slightly blue, slightly weepy. At the time I thought that was purely hormonal, but I can now also reflect that there is a similar long build up, a dramatic event to celebrate and then back to the grind of life - maybe some of the 'baby blues' reflects simple adjustment following a life event. (I'm not going to get into a detailed description of the hormonal changes in the postpartum period or perinatal mental health, but rather just make this personal, anecdotal observation).

Tonight, I am thankful that God knows all things, and knows what encouragement I need right now. And I am thankful for the many stories recorded in the Bible, so that we can continue to be encouraged when we need it most. (1 Cor 10:11)

Adoption versus Maternity Leave

So, with great thankfulness, I am on adoption leave from work whilst our newest addition settles in to the home. It's actually the first time I have taken adoption leave, since the first time we adopted I was already on maternity leave (there is just a six month gap between the boys) - life just kind of continued but there were two babies rather than one. Two nappies to change, two mouths to feed. Two babies to breastfeed, two babies to carry (one on the front and one on the back seemed to work well). Naptimes, bathtimes and bedtimes just involved two rather than one.

This time was a bit different - my youngest had recently turned four. It seems like no time since we spent a chunk of that maternity leave working in rural West Africa. But then I suppose most parents comment on that, just how fast time seems to move.

At work, I have been asked to make some comments on the whole process of adoption leave, to help both those who are going through the process, but perhaps even more so, to guide those who are attempting to support and guide them. Here are some of my initial remarks.

Firstly, there are differences in the preparation and communication surrounding the intended period of leave.

1) The actual policy is virtually word for word the same for adoption and maternity leave, and one can see how a line manager might assume that they are therefore the same. (There are likely to be differences in the fine print - so check your local policies carefully)

2) With a pregnancy, although there is always the uncertainty (there are still 17 stillbirths per day in the UK, and I have a couple of friends who have been through that heartbreak), for most people there are more obvious milestones and timelines. People 'announce' the pregnancy at different stages, but by the third trimester it tends to be physically obvious! In the UK, there is also an obligation to inform your employer by 26 weeks. Pregnancy is more familiar to most people, and they generally have an idea what to do, what to say, how to try and be supportive (although I am sure you can think of examples where this has not been the case!). In contrast, the timelines involved in adoption are very different, and often unpredictable. Some people consider the time when a couple starts the assessment for adoption to be equivalent to the time when a couple starts 'trying' for a baby; it is often a private and personal decision, and there is no inevitable outcome. However, the assessments for adoption can be lengthy, involve multiple interviews, social work assessments, references, medicals, home visits and so forth. Somebody may need time off work for these (and indeed the policy does mention 'reasonable time off' for related appointments) but at the same time, they may be wishing to keep the process private. I suppose a similar example might be a couple undergoing fertility treatment, or suffering recurrent early pregnancy losses with all the related appointments and procedures. It is not just a very personal time, but it can also be tough emotionally; a colleague going through this process might be unexpectedly emotional at times, or seem distracted. Of course if the process is affecting their ability to work, they should be able to talk about things in confidence.

3) Even when a couple are approved as adoptive parents (perhaps the equivalent might be that they have 'conceived'), the timeline is still uncertain, perhaps even more so. Matching can take a very long time, or can be done almost immediately. In our recent experience, we were actually matched with our daughter at panel, so there was no delay at all. I found the biggest challenge was knowing what to tell people when. We were quite honest about the fact we were in the process, but even then some people were taken by surprise when we suddenly had a new child!

4) Matching is where the timeline becomes quite radically different, and where I believe the adoptive parent might need the most support and flexibility. From 'the phonecall' through to the child coming home is usually a period of 1-2 weeks' bonding. That was how it was for a friend in the UK, and for us in East Africa. During that period there are several important things to be accomplished. First of all, this is the time to meet and 'bond' with the child. It is a strange kind of bonding, often under the watchful eye of the social workers. I would see it like passing your driving test - you don't really start the real proper bonding until you are home unsupervised, simply enjoying being together. But it needs to be done. At the same time, the parents might decide this is the time to inform family and friends, not all of whom may have known about the ongoing adoption process. And finally, with only a couple of weeks' notice, the person taking leave needs to wrap up all the loose ends of work, put in place clear plans for ongoing projects and decide approximately how (if at all) they will remain in touch during their leave. I write this from the perspective of a medical academic with several ongoing studies and clinical trials, where I intend to keep things ticking over. Others may choose to take a complete break from work, and it is their prerogative to do so. In either case, it can be quite a challenge to get things straightened out in good time, and for me it involved a whistlestop trip back to the UK to sort a few things out before taking time off.

Once on leave, there are many similarities and it is helpful to remember these, in addition to the subtle differences. These might be of less relevance to an employer, but I think are of interest to anybody who is supporting a friend or relative through this time:

1) The first one is not a difference! The family have just had a new baby! This warrants exactly the same celebrations and congratulations as the arrival of any other new baby. The whole family will be in a time of adjustment, settling into new schedules and routines and getting to know their newest member. If your pattern is to bring a meal for a person with a new baby, then it should be the same with an adopted baby. If you would offer to provide some childcare for the older siblings to allow the parents and new baby time alone, then it should be no different. If you would send a card or a gift, then do the same here. If it would be normal for an email to be sent to colleagues informing them of the good news, then this is the same. To me, this sounds obvious, but my experience has been a bit different. On both occasions I have found myself having to remind people (perhaps even including ourselves!), 'We've just had a new baby!'

2) Bonding and adjustment will take time. This is the same as with any newborn, but depending on the  age of the adopted child, there will be differences in the challenges faced by the adoptive parents. Our new addition sleeps really well, for long periods of time. Whilst that is indeed a blessing, I do not have the luxury of long night feeds which I have always found an amazing time of intimacy with my baby, feeling that we are the only people in the world. The times when she is awake do tend to be the busy family times too, so we need to make a conscious and deliberate effort to focus on her. (This is where help with the older children could be even more useful for a family who have recently adopted)

3) The family will be tired! It is easy (perhaps) to think that because somebody has not gone through a pregnancy and labour, and may not be breastfeeding, that they have no reason to be tired. But remember that this is a 'significant life event' for everybody involved. I need to remind myself of that too - that the other children are a bit hyped up and excitable, but also tired. As parents we have been through the lengthy build up of social work assessments, presentation at panel and then the two week bonding period which was quite difficult in some ways. (Mainly practically difficult with lots of moving around the city, which is not so easy here).

4) It is an emotional time. Again, this is similar to any newborn child! But perhaps adoption brings complications too. Adoption was never the way things were meant to be. There will have been loss along the way, the most obvious one being that the child is separated from their biological parents (through circumstance or death). But the parents may also have been through an tough time emotionally. Some people choose to adopt having been through infertility or miscarriages, and it might not have been a decision that came easily. Adjustment might bring some emotional baggage, and it is good to be aware of this.

5) When a couple say that they have 'adopted', in almost all circumstances there will still be legal processes and hurdles. Depending on the country, and sometimes the age of the child, there is a period of 'fostering to adopt' before the adoption can pass through a court and become final and legal. During this period, there will be continued oversight by social workers, which will vary in its frequency and intensity. It can be intrusive. Whilst almost all adoptions do proceed as planned, we know of several examples where this has not been the case and there is real heartbreak. I do not think there is an ideal way to handle this. If one distances themselves from their child, and makes statements like, 'This is a child we are fostering, and hope to adopt in a year or so', this will greatly impact upon bonding and the family dynamic. So most families welcome the newcomer as with any child. Until I personally became involved with adoptions and saw others go through the process, I did not realise this.

6) Some things are very difficult to discuss. A parent may know quite a lot about the child's background (especially in well resourced countries) but are not at liberty to say. There are some questions which are insensitive. For us, we do not like to use the word 'abandoned' now that the older children might start to understand what it means. It is a cold, horrible word. Instead simply to say that a child 'had no mummy or daddy' is better. The stories of our children are very simple - we know little. Other adoptions are more complicated, some require ongoing contact with biological relatives, others involve medical challenges. I don't think it is wrong to ask questions, but please be understanding if the parent is unable to answer.

7) Relating in part to the comment above, sharing on social media might be a no-no. Don't make assumptions, and if in doubt, ask!

8) One big difference - I ran 10 K yesterday, up and down hills, dodging motorbikes in the humid heat. No chance I could have done that at a week postpartum, it was enough of a problem to walk!

These are just a few initial thoughts about some of the similarities and differences between a person taking adoption leave and a person taking maternity leave. There may well be others - please comment if you can think of some! Others will relate to the personalities of the parents - think of parents of newborns, and how touchy some can get about comments and questions, whereas others love to talk in detail about the minutae of their baby's feeding, sleeping and toilet habits. I imagine it is the same with adoption. Some people are happy to talk openly about everything, whereas others are more private. 

Adoption, Bonding and Breastfeeding

We are celebrating the recent arrival of our fifth child, who joined us about a week ago. To us, adoption is a really beautiful thing, which communicates some of the heart of the gospel. Adoption is always going to involve some kind of loss somewhere along the line - the most obvious of which being that the child is not with their biological family. (There may be other losses too, depending on the circumstances of both child and adoptive family). It is not 'ideal', but to me in many ways that reflects the fallen world we live in. Many things are not ideal. One does not look far to see pain and brokenness. Yet our glorious hope in Christ is for redemption, and one day restoration and resurrection.

You might wonder about the title of the post! However, I like to write about the abundance of life, and right now one of those enjoyable challenges surrounds relactation.

Quick tutorial:

1) Relactation is when a woman who has previously breastfed a child is able to establish and maintain a milk supply to breastfeed again, often after a period of many years. This is something which has been known and accepted in many societies for years. In Africa, it is not uncommon for a grandmother to breastfeed an infant whose mother died in childbirth. There aren't many other feeding options for the children here. Relactation can be supported by medication which enhances the production of prolactin from the pituitary gland. It just so happens that I was on such a medication for years for a gastrointestinal problem, and so had a large supply to hand. There are also herbal supplements and some dietary choices which are supposed to increase milk supply although I am unsure as to whether there is good scientific evidence for these.

2) Induced lactation refers to a woman who has never carried a pregnancy or breastfed but who wishes to breastfeed. This is a little bit more tricky, since breastfeeding required two things: the development of glandular breast tissue and the production of prolactin. It can be achieved in these mothers, but may require a combination of hormonal medication to 'mimic' a pregnancy before stopping these and starting drugs which can stimulate lactation.

But you might ask, why would anybody want to do this if a child is healthy and well established on bottle feeding? For me, the benefits are vast. I will not attempt to describe in full the benefits of breastfeeding - there are many resources that already do this. My quick summary is this:

1) Breastmilk is designed perfectly for an infant. As well as nutrition, it contains all kinds of helpful antibodies and proteins which can help protect against infection. There are often new discoveries regarding the nutritional and immunological benefits of breast milk which can continue well into adult life

2) Breasfeeding provides an amazing time of bonding. There is nothing much nicer than to cuddle a perfectly relaxed child who is half sleeping and half feeding.

3) Perhaps part of the bonding is also that breastfeeding takes time. It is necessary to create that time to be close with your child, no matter what else is going on around you.

4) Breastfeeding gives that time just to gaze at your child, to sing to them, to pray for them, to study them and to really focus on them. Perhaps this becomes more important as the family grows and there are always so many competing demands on time

For us, with a seven month baby who is starting to eat increasing amounts of solids, the benefits may relate more to bonding than to nutrition. However, there is evidence that even a small amount of breast milk is beneficial, even if it is difficult to be scientifically precise about this.

There are a number of helpful resources which provide more detail if this was something you wished to do - for example here, here, here and here.

Some of my own reflections:

1) It is possible. With our first adopted child, I was already breastfeeding and he was a bit younger, so it was a very straightforward (in fact immediate) transition. It has been a bit more work this time, and I would not say that 'feeding is established' yet by any stretch

2) It takes patience. It is one thing to get the mother to lactate. It is a different issue to get the infant to take to the breast, especially if they have no previous experience of breastfeeding. There are supplemental nursing systems designed specifically with this in mind. But can you imagine trying to use this with three lively and curious boys that you are homeschooling, and a cleaner who doesn't always give much personal space, as well as various other people coming and going? For me, that is the biggest challenge of all - to get space and time.

3) It takes space and time! I am completely comfortable breastfeeding anywhere, including in professional meetings, on public transport or even walking along the road with the child in a sling. But I am less comfortable using a supplemental nursing system or a breast pump anywhere. A week before the child came home to us, I  had to make a long distance work-related trip. Trying to find somewhere to express milk in an airport is interesting. Similarly, to do so whilst working a busy shift in a teaching hospital can be challenging (and if nobody knows you are expecting a child or that you are lactating, explaining the need to access a private room is interesting). Most of the resources recommend pumping each side for 15 minutes, 8-10 times a day. For me, that really hasn't been possible. 3-4 times a day perhaps but not more. Now we are all together, I need time with the baby so she can work out how to latch on. She is making progress, but we don't have the luxury of hours and hours alone together to really focus on this.

4) Most of the resources seem to assume that it is just you and your adopted baby and you have all the time in the world to work on this. Like I said, I am not able to spend as much time as might be ideal. But I think it is important to remember that anything is worthwhile! I might not be able to exclusively breastfeed her the way I did with my other adopted child, but indeed she is older and if we can aim for one or two feeds a day as well as other nutrition, I would be delighted. Sometimes there needs to be an adjustment of expectations, to avoid frustration and disillusionment

5) It is important not to get obsessed. I do not want my relationship with my daughter to be all about breastfeeding, and its important not to start thinking it is the most important thing. I sometimes feel a bit like a failure for feeding with a bottle (we have literally never used a bottle before with any of our other four children). But that's not the point. Parenthood isn't about 'success' or 'failure' anyway. It is interesting because I remember hearing other mums telling me they felt a 'failure' for not being able to breastfeed - maybe now I actually understand a little bit of that feeling, and that must be helpful for me to be able to encourage others in the future.

So, there you go. A bit different from my usual posts, but hopefully will bring encouragement to some of you!

Home Education and Adoption

Yesterday, we were approved as potential adoptive parents! We underwent a fairly detailed, three-month long social work assessment and yesterday was 'panel'. It had been suggested that there may be concerns about our decision to home educate. Part of this is due to it not being as well known an option here in the country where we live, and were the usual chestnuts of 'socialisation' etc. As it so happened, God answered our prayers and the adoptive parent representative actually homeschooled her children and was familiar with the benefits, and even of the curriculum we use.

In preparing for panel, I decided to see what had been written about home education and adopted children. Most of what I found was anecdotal, but it makes perfect sense.

1) For me, the strongest argument is that there is no difference between an adopted and a biological child. At least, not in our home. If homeschooling is your first choice, then it is your first choice, whether your children are biological or adopted. Your motivations will be the same. Each child, biological or adopted has unique strengths and limitations, and by home educating them, there is the opportunity to spend the necessary time to explore strengths, to work on weaknesses, to speed up or slow down according to their level of interest and progress.

2) There does tend, in the UK and the USA, to be an assumption that an adopted child will have special educational needs. As indicated in the link above, I do not find that presumption necessarily helpful. However, there is some truth that these children may have been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero, may have had a poor early bonding experience, and if the child is older, may have been through various types of trauma. Several families have written blogs describing just how helpful home education has been in meeting the individual needs of their child (ie here and here). The UK provides some guidance on homeschooling adopted children here. There may be attachment issues or identity questions which arise later, and again, I would consider that the structure and stability of a home educating family might be the ideal place for a child to be supported through these.

3) Children may come from a different background than the parents. For us, all of our children have been born in different countries and we endeavour to maintain some of the links - celebrating national holidays, learning some recipes, songs, some of the history  - really seeking that the child knows their identity. We are open about adoption, talk about it often, and hope that the adopted children grow with a strong sense of who they are as part of a multicultural family. Some bloggers describe this nicely ie here, here and here)

4) Unless the child is adopted at birth, the family will have missed some of the early life and development of that child. By home educating, there is longer spent together to build that bond - not just between parent and child, but between siblings. This is described here and here.

For us, as we prepare to welcome a new arrival, we plan to continue our usual routine of learning through the richness of daily life, of involving all the children in a range of activities, and spending many many hours reading books together. We know there may be challenges ahead (as with any family!), and believe that our lifestyle provides the best resource to work together as a family and build each child's confidence. Most importantly, we seek to equip our children with a strong biblical worldview providing the foundation for whatever God calls them to in the future.

Celebrating World Adoption Day

Today is World Adoption Day. Here is an article I wrote a couple of years ago comparing our adoption of children to our adoption into God's family.

Quite a few people have asked us why we wanted to adopt a baby. There are many reasons and circumstances which led us to this point.  This response was written on May 30th 2010, four days after our successful adoption hearing in the High Court of the country where we had been working for the previous four years:

In some ways, the answer is incredibly simple. Working as doctors here, we see parents dying every week on the wards, often leaving very young children. The extended family often struggles to cope. We hear of children being abandoned, with desperate relatives seeing no other solution. There are too many children here without families, with a future which seems so uncertain. We longed for a home filled with children, and to be able to give a home and a family to an orphaned child was to be a great privilege.

When we were first married, we became frustrated by those who discussed contraception and childbearing as issues completely within human control. Adoption was often seen as a last resort, something only considered when all other avenues had been exhausted. Sometimes it is easier to form your stance on an issue when it does not affect you directly. Through the Christian Medical Fellowship, we were encouraged to consider biblical truth regarding issues of life and death, including matters surrounding fertility treatments, contraception and abortion.

The Bible makes clear that life begins long before birth. God reminded the prophet Jeremiah: ‘Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you’.[1] A new life does not come about by accident. Scripture makes it abundantly clear that murder is contrary to the will of God;[2] so most Christians would agree that termination of pregnancy is wrong. However, if women requesting termination are counselled to consider alternatives, including putting the child forward for adoption, how should Christians respond? These children need a loving home where they will be nurtured.

We met many families who have adopted; each told a story of blessing and grace. We asked frank questions, and received honest, helpful answers. Each conversation increased our certainty that we should adopt. Nobody has pretended that things are always easy. However, I don’t know any family with biological children who would claim this either!

Our decision to adopt was also shaped by our understanding of the gospel. As Christians, we are adopted into God’s family. We were lost, helpless, without stability or direction and yet we have become heirs with Christ. I feel intensely aware of this. In the church I meet people who are my brothers and sisters, knowing a bond and a closeness which I never knew growing up in my home.

A biological link means something, but true Christian fellowship is far greater. God rescued us from darkness,[3] slavery,[4] pain[5] and death,[6]bringing us into his kingdom of light,[7] freedom,[8] joy,[9] peace[10] and everlasting life.[11] ‘For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship by whom you cry out, “Abba, Father”. The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs – heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ’.[12] We are shown grace[13] – the abundant blessing of God which we could never have earned through our own actions.[14] We are given a brand new start.[15] John Piper describes adoption as ‘the heart of the gospel’[16]mirroring many aspects of our salvation in Christ. In adoption, a child is taken from a difficult situation and given a new start. The child is given the same legal rights as a biological child. The orphan who had no family is given a home.

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[1] Jeremiah 1:5

[2] Exodus 20:13; Matthew 5:21; Romans 13:9

[3] Colossians 1:13

[4]Romans 8:15

[5] Romans 8:22

[6] 1 John 3:14

[7] Ephesians 5:8

[8] Romans 8:21; 2 Corinthians 3:17; Galatians 5:1

[9] Romans 14:17; Galatians 5:22

[10] John 14:27; Romans 14:17

[11] Romans 5:21

[12] Romans 8:15-17

[13] Romans 5:15-21

[14] Psalm 14:3; Romans 3:12,

[15] John 3:3; Galatians 6:15

[16] Piper J. Adoption: the heart of the gospel. bit.ly/pqlhVJ